American Airlines Suck

My business in Las Vegas had ended and I was enroute to my next destination, the windy city of the Midwest, Chicago, Illinois. And just for Dave, that’s Illinois without the “S.” And who would have thought 15 bucks would have bought so much… Thanks Jerry! But, back to the business at hand.

Las Vegas to Chicago is a 3 hour and two minute flight. The taxi ride to McCarran airport was painless and I had plenty of time before my 6pm flight. And thank God I did have time for the American Airlines security check was easily 1000 people deep. Gate D was packed, with only one check point line manned. Glancing over to gate C, there was absolutely no waiting as five lines were open. Lucky bastard airline passengers.

After an hour and a half wait, it was my turn to take off my shoes, empty my pockets, put my laptop in a gray rubber tub, and pray to God that I didn’t get the dreaded “Beep” as I went through the medal detector. (I wonder if women, with piercings, get the dreaded beep? Do they then get searched? And what about the piercing in the “Nether” regions, how does one go about doing a sight on sight search?) I didn’t beep and continued to the monorail to the terminal.

We began boarding about 10 minutes late and I got lucky and scored a bulkhead window seat. It has about 5 more inches of leg room which was a key point since I have long legs. And who doesn’t want a few more extra inches? After several hundred people boarded, the cabin door closed and we backed away from the gate. Minutes later, we were on the runway and in the air. The captain came on and slurred some crap about the weather and that he was glad we all chose American Airlines as our choice of air carrier. Yada, yada, yada.

BTW, this is one of those Grassy Knoll Institute epic tales. As if you didn’t already realize that.

I settled in with my MP3 player and closed my eyes. Three hours later the Captain came on and announced that we were in a “Racetrack” holding pattern outside of Chicago and would stay in that pattern until there was room to land. Great! Oh well, I was just outside of Chicago, and it was only 11pm so no big deal.

Thirty minutes later, my bubble was burst. The captain again came on the air and announced that we still didn’t have clearance to land and now we were low on fuel and therefore, instead of allowing a jet with hundreds of passengers to land, we were diverted instead to Peoria, Illinois. (Silent S there Dave) Peoria is about 100 miles from Chicago, and we landed and waited to refuel and receive a new flight plan to get in the air again. A check of my watch and it was midnight Chicago time. I was on the plane four hours so far. The cap, (I now refer to the captain as “Cap” from now on) said we would be on the ground approximately 30 minutes and on our way back to Chicago.

An hour later, I knew we had been lied to by the cap. So, we get another announcement, (Lie) from the cap, saying we were about to be refueled and we would be on our way. Out the window, I could see the fuel truck as it ambled toward us. OK, we now had fuel, let’s get going… Right? WRONG!!! The fuel truck pulls away and the Cap makes an appearance from the cockpit and goes to the back of the plane. He returns a minute later and then announced that the flight plan he received was mangled and unreadable and that we would have to wait for another one. WTF!!! This flight at that point was such a joke that I was expecting clowns to drop from the over head bins and start doing tricks.

Since we have been on the plane for quite some time, many passengers got up to get in line for the restroom. The stewardess freaked out and loudly announced that only three people were allowed to be standing at any one time and for everyone to sit down immediately. The passengers began to get restless. Adding insult and piling on, two bottles of wine were raffled off and when the winners were ready to share with everyone, they were told that they could not open the bottle until they were off the plane.

Finally, a second flight plan arrived and we taxied down the runway and back to Chicago we went. The Cap said it would be a 23 minute flight and we did finally land at O’Hare airport. Thank God the nightmare flight was over… Until the Cap once again spoke. He said that there was no ground support working for American Airlines and they didn’t have anyone to connect the jet to the jet way terminal. Yes, we had to wait a half hour for that as well. All in all time on the plane was 6 hours and 35 minutes.

Exhausted, I made my way through the terminal to claim my luggage. The terminal was almost empty less some maintenance crew workers mopping floors and fixing walls. The above screen noted my luggage could be claimed at belt #4. Like a statue, I stared blankly at the conveyor belt trying to somehow will it to spin so my bag would come out. Nothing happened. In fact, nothing happened for over an hour. Apparently, American Airlines did not have any employees in service hence the hour and a half wait for the luggage to appear. Adding insult to injury, four luggage bays were announced for pickup. Each one turned out to be a dead end.

The sojourn was now complete as I headed for my taxi and short travel to my hotel. A glance at my watch revealed that my flight from Las Vegas to Chicago was just over 10 hours in length.

Las Vegas to Chicago is a three hour and two minute flight. If you fly American Airlines, expect seven hours to be added to your time with the most extreme rude and inept customer service any airline offers. The Grassy Knoll now understands why American Airlines is losing millions of dollars per month on flights.

Bullshit!!!

This is but the first story of my trip to sin city in search of conspiracies, giant aliens, and the ultimate dinner cuisine.

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LURKING, A LOUSY BAG OF PEANUTS, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Most Searched Photo For Halloween

The votes are in and tabulated. The Sexy blond Genie above is the #1 searched photo on the Grassy Knoll Institute Sexy Sirens category for the month of October. I photographed her in Chicago back in March of 2007 while attending the Transworld National Halloween Trade show at the Rosemont convention center. And for good reason. This model exudes sexuality, strikes a very sexy and sensual pose, and has the All American girl next door quality with hooters look.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Taxi Ride From Hell

Six days in Las Vegas at the ASD trade show and a late flight to Chicago on Wednesday night so I could set up the Halloween show on Thursday morning. I was looking at six more days on the road. Of course, the flight was delayed an hour, and the 3.5 hour flight is now 4.5 hours. No problem, I had a nice exit row aisle seat with extra legroom. By the time I got my luggage, it was 12:30am Chicago time. Out to the taxi line I walked. Being late at night, the line was small, only about 15 people ahead of me.

When it was my turn, I flipped the taxi attendant a dollar and waited for the taxi driver to open his trunk for my bags. The driver stayed in his seat and clicked the trunk release. I guess this was a self-serve cabbie. I tossed my bags in the trunk and got in. I told him I was going to the Crowne Plaza on River Road in Rosemont.

He clicked his meter which was set at $2.10 and pulled forward about fifty feet, then stopped, and got out to talk to the attendant. Several minutes later, and 60 cents more on the meter, he got in and we left. Being that the Crowne Plaza was literally five minutes away, it would be a short journey. A journey I have taken many times. About three minutes into the ride and the meter reading a little under $4.00, the cabbie reached over and turned the meter off. I asked why he did that but got no reply. I asked a little louder and he said don’t worry about it. So I didn’t.

Two minutes later we drove right past the Plaza even though I warned him we were going by. He had to turn around and go back to the Crowne Plaza and I got out. The driver popped the trunk and I gathered my bags. The cabbie then tells me that the fare is $12.00. I said the fare is usually around $6.00 plus tip. Again, the cabby demanded $12.00. I asked why he turned off the meter and he said the fare is $12.00, that’s why. Since he did not load my luggage in or out of the cab, I told him I would give him $6.00 dollars that is the fair price for the ride.

The cabbie raised his voice in an attempt to intimidate me and once again, just outside the hotel lobby, demanded $12.00. Being a traveler, and being tired beyond belief, I yelled right back at him. I handed him $6.00 and said take it or leave it. He took the money and then gave it right back to me. He said he wanted $12.00 or he was going to call the police.

I then yelled back, “Yes, lets go inside and call the police. I know you are scamming me and I have your medallion number written down and would love to have the police arrest you.” I then proceeded to grab my bags and went inside the hotel lobby. The cabbie followed me yelling and swearing.

I headed for the front counter with the cabbie in tow. He shouted out that I wouldn’t pay him for the fare and that he was calling the police. The cabbie said this several times over, louder each time. I then turned to him and called him a thief and shouted back, “Why did you turn the meter off halfway to the hotel?” At this point, the desk clerk motioned for security to assist.

The security officer asked if I needed any help and I asked for him to call the police. The cabbie raised his voice again saying he wanted his $12 dollars. Just then, one of the customers checking in asked what airport I was coming from. I told him O’Hara. The customer said he just came from there as well and his fare was $6.10 plus tip. That’s when I looked at the cabbie and the security agent and in a raised tone said, “And he wants me to pay $12 dollars plus tip for the same ride!”

At this point, the cabbie then said that I was to get back into his cab and he was going to drive me back to the airport. I almost chorlted when he said this. I told him I was quite fine where I was at. He then said that he waited in the cab line for over three hours to take me. I told him I had him beat for I just had a three and a half hour plane ride and now I was yelling at him. I told him that he should rethink his vocation in life if he wasn’t happy what he was doing for a living.

Finally, I decided that enough was enough and took my cell phone out. I told cabbie dude that I was calling the police in 10 seconds if he didn’t leave right now. I didn’t give him any time to reply and started to count. I began, 1…2…3… and then I said TEN! I was bored. He turned and went out the door running to his cab. Several people in the lobby clapped and I got in line to check in.

My usual tipping for taxi service is as follows: Round up to nearest dollar amount to reach 20% of the fare. Add $1 dollar for each bag and extra for exceptional service. If this cabbie would have been nice and loaded my bags in the cab, he would have received $10.00 from me. $6.10 for the fare, $1.90 for the tip on the fare, and $2.00 for my two bags. This one was trying to scam me and I thought I would make him pay.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

2007 Sexy Halloween Show Models

Sexy Halloween Show Models, 2007 Chicago Show

Every year I attend the Transworld National Halloween Trade show held at the Rosemont Convention Center in Chicago. This is where the most beautiful women come to dress up in the sexiest and naughtiest adult Halloween costumes. All the women were kind enough to pose for me. Here they are in all their glory. Enjoy.

Sci-Fi Sexy Sirens brought to you by the Grassy Knoll Institute marketing team to boost readership and placement on search engines.

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Ouija Board Possessed

The Ouija board, the mythical doorway to the other side. The Ouija board is thought to have powers to contact demons, the devil himself, spirits and ghosts, and all other Halloween supernatural entities.

To use the Ouija board, four people gather around it and gently place their hands on the planchette, or the three sided pointer. One person then asks a question and the pointer magically begins to move towards a letter and spells out an answer.

Many people believe the ouija board has magical powers, or is linked to witchcraft or to the devil. In actuality, it is the four people themselves moving the pointer unknowingly.

The Ouija board above is from the Chicago Halloween show back in March of this year. Yes, it was rigged to move on its own.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL