How To Survive In A Scary Movie

How to survive in a scary movie. And other important stuff.

What if you woke up one morning and found yourself smack dab in the middle of a horror movie. How would you survive? Avoid the monster? The invisible entity? We here at the Grassy Knoll Institute have the answers? Through intense research, we have found that there are certain truths and rules to every scary and horror movie ever made. The script follows a standard pattern.

To survive in a horror movie, follow these simple rules to avoid instant death from the creature, demon, spirit, madman, or farmer. Do not deviate from the plan, lest you wind up at the bottom of the well or hanging in the meat locker. Keep in mind that this list is merely a guide, a sort of “Ghost Etiquette” to help you survive. Even by following the list, you may still wind up dead because, hey, its a scary movie.

The Grassy Knoll Institute Horror Movie Survival List:

*When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER, ever check to see if it’s really dead. In fact, shoot it until the gun is empty. Or stab it until you cannot lift the knife anymore. Run as far away as you can from it. Under no circumstance do you turn your back on the monster thinking it is dead. If you do, it will be gone and you will be dead in 30 seconds.

*Kind of got the feeling for the list now? Good, carry on then.

*If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, or was once a church that was used for black masses, or had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some sort of hideous fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately. It ain’t the Brady Bunch homestead. They’re here. They’re really here. Listen to Carol Ann.

*Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. The incantation will have worked and you will have unwittingly released the darkness of hell upon the quaint little town.

*Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. Where the hell do you think the monster is hiding? Duh!!!

*As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. See the tip two above.

*Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing. Trying to bring your dead wife or beloved dog back from the dead never lives up to expectations.

*If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Its a rule. the trick is not to stare at the monster but to get up and run away.

*Despite the fact that you are a track star, and running at full speed and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you. If you look back, you will stumble and fall.

*Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those wooden block thingies on your work surface. The monster will cut your head off with them.

*When you’re searching a house because you think there’s something dangerous there, for God’s sake man, turn the bloody lights on! Strike that! For God’s sake man, why are you searching the house in the first place?

*Never back out of one room and into another without looking. The monster will always be behind you.

*Never, ever, turn off a paved road onto a gravel or dirt road. What kind of help do you think you will find?

*Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start immediately in times of crisis.

*Always check the back seat of your car before jumping in to escape the monster. You know it will be in the back seat.

*Never say that you’ll be right back because you won’t. No one ever comes back. And if they do, then you know they are the killer. Kill them immediately.

*If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color) comes out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.

*If, when looking into a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don’t see upon turning around, exit immediately.

*If, when looking into a mirror, you see a different room than the one you are in, exit immediately.

*If, when looking into a mirror you see a figure other than yourself looking back, Exit immediately.

*If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door and see the correct room after re-opening the door, vacate the house immediately.

*If a house you are in, or are approaching, speaks to you to “GET OUT!” leave immediately. Don’t investigate any further. Strike that! If a house says anything to you. Get the hell out now.

*Never have sex in the haunted house. Stay chaste. The sluts are the first to die.

*Never, ever, flash your tits or moon your friends, or the farmer off in the distance holding a pitchfork.

*If all the townsfolk keep looking up at the full moon, drive all night out of the city.

*Never answer the phone in a house that you do not own. It ain’t the lottery commission telling you that you won.

*If you hear eerie pipe organ music, get out and leave immediately. It ain’t the seventh inning stretch.

*If someone tells you not to go into the house, the car, the grave yard, or whatever, heed their warning and stay put.

*Never taunt the ax wielding maniac. It never ends the way you want.

*If you hear the sound of “Che che che che che” and you are in the woods, then what the hell are you doing in the woods……

*If your friends tell you that you must stay awake, for gods sake man, stay awake.

*If writing appears on walls in the house with warnings, its time to move on.

*If the house fills up with flies or locusts, catch the next taxi.

*If the local small town sheriff only has three teeth, thank him profusely and turn around and get out of his county right away.

*Never outplay the local hillbilly banjo player.

*Never, ever, pick up a hitch hiker, even if its pouring down rain and the person looks harmless. They will maim you and cook you for supper.

*If you open a kitchen closet and find meat hooks, do not stay for dinner.

*If someone screams, “Don’t let it touch you,” for gods sake man, run.

*If you are in the woods and wonder upon a group of people in black capes dancing and singing strange songs by a camp fire, do not join in. And do not under any circumstance reveal that you or someone in your group is a virgin.

*As a rule, the biggest, baddest, meanest dude always gets his ass kicked and killed. Don’t be that fool.

*If you get a warning via phone, fax, or email not to go somewhere, or do something, heed the warning.

*If someone asks if you believe in ghosts, spirits, demons, or devils, for gods sake answer, “Yes I do.”

*Let it be known that any old wives tale, or an old hand me down urban legend, no matter how outlandish, will turn out to be true.

*If someone announces that the house is clean, or the demon is gone, or the creature is dead. Don’t believe it. Someone will be killed within the next several minutes.

*Never run upstairs to escape the monster. There’s no way out. You will become trapped and become an easy target. Run for the ground level door. Don’t look back, keep running.

*Remember, when you and several other people are running away from the monster, you only have to be faster than your friends.

*Never split up. Stay together. As soon as you do, you will begin to die one at a time.

*Never check on your friends sleeping upstairs, or in the tent. They are already dead and your screams only will alert the monster of your location.

*Don’t trust anyone. If they say they can do this, or do that. They can’t, both you and him will get killed.

*Never accept a challenge. You will lose.

*Never volunteer. You will never come back.

*Never take a shower. Its a classic mistake. Wait until the movie is over.

*Never ask the Ouija board that you found in the closet questions. You won’t like the answers.

*Never play or have sex in a deserted graveyard at night. Remember, sluts are the first to die.

*If you have a gun. Make sure its loaded. Also test fire one round to make sure it works and that they are not blanks.

*Check your shoes. Make sure you have track shoes on. And that the laces are tied tight. You know you will be running through the house, or the woods, or the grave yard. Be prepared dammit.

*And, never, when entering a room ask if there are any demons in the room. You’re in a god damn scary movie. Of course there’s a demon in there.

*Any others out there? Let the Grassy Knoll Institute know in the comments section.

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