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Posts Tagged ‘religion’

Chapter Twelve: My Office Has A Window

Posted by LOTGK on May 23, 2011

My Office Has A Window

It was 1980. A new decade. A new hope. Hopefully a new job. I was 20 years old and a Junior in college when the planets cosmically aligned thus setting me on a strange and bizarre sojourn as a newly hired employee at a little red pole barn in Columbiana. This sojourn is titled, “My Office Has A Window” even though in reality, there were no windows at all.

Chapter Twelve – The Bug Light God

As the days got longer and turned into night, we, the warehouse workers, like moths to a flame, would gravitate toward the almighty bug light. Looking for inner peace, solace, wisdom, meaning, and a little relief from the biting bugs that lived and fed in Youngstown, Ohio.

Since we had to work outside the warehouse as well as inside, the summer months were brutal with swarms of pests buzzing around. Biting flies, mosquitoes, moths, gnats, grasshoppers, locusts, bee’s, wasps, and every other flying insect under the sun would zero in on the only source of flesh and light in the vast farmland that surrounded us.

Every year, right around this time, to combat these bastards, we dragged out the giver of light and reliever of itch from the biblical swarms of insects. Thus the religion of The Eternal Bug Light was formed.

After several years, the bug light became an icon and more importantly, a God to us warehouse workers. If we were in the bug lights good graces, it would have pity on us and bestow its powers shining its light upon us to protect us by killing and keeping the insects away from us. If we were to ever fall out of favor with the almighty bug light, the consequences were so severe that no one ever talked about them, not even under our breath lest the bug light god hear us.

To keep the god happy, we needed to pay homage. This was in the form of an annual ceremony, a sort of Fry Me A Bug Light festival to appease the god. The ritual began by preparing the holy power cord for insertion into the electrical outlet. We would then arrange and pay homage to the enchanted nail that magically kept the god suspended above us. Finally, we would prepare a feast for the entire cult to consume.

The festival seemed to work as the bug light god kept us safe in the summer evenings as we heard the humming of electricity coursing through its wire mesh screens. Sometimes we would gather round the god and cheer as loud crackling and zapping noises would announce each new bug checking into the bug light hotel.

And not just bugs either. Our bug light god was a little dangerous because unlike normal lights, ours did not have a front or bottom screen guard to keep out larger objects such as a very unlucky bird or the bottom of someone’s head. The light was suspended just under 6 feet in the air, and tall worshippers who lost sight of where they were in conjunction with the light would get rudely introduced to their god. As in the bible, they would carry the mark of the beast for several weeks until the burn marks healed.

Alas, one evening, a large bird entered the radar screen of the bug light god. In an instant, the bird dive bombed into the light and got caught inside. High pitched zapping sounds were heard much like in the classic movie “Frankenstein” when the monster was struck by lightning in an electrical storm.

A huge battle had begun. The bug light flickered and hummed, summoning up all it’s power while the bird began screeching and fluttering it’s wings, till finally, both burst into flames sending the worshippers running. The bug light came crashing to the ground as we watched the flames engulf both bird and light.

In a moment, we were free of the bug light god as it lay dead smoldering on the concrete floor. The next day, a new dawn, a rule was sent forth that no longer would bug lights adorn our warehouse wall. We stocked up on “Off” bug repellent and continued to have the festival that quickly turned into our annual lamb roast.

To this day, I can still vividly recall the sound, sight, and smell, of the bug light and the bugs as they met their demise sizzling in the screens. Man, that was living….

Read Chapter Thirteen Here…

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LURKING, I NEED SOME WINDEX ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

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A New Religion That Will Bring You To Your Knees

Posted by LOTGK on April 21, 2009

The Grassy Knoll Institute witnessed the formation of a new religious cult on the Parkway streets in Gatlinburg, Tennessee today. Throngs of people gathered around a giant sphere sent by a hovering giant alien space craft hiding in the clouds. It landed right outside Ripley’s Believe It Or Not. (If you can believe it! Or not!)

Defying the laws of gravity, the 4 ton sphere (Orb) floated above the pavement enabling passersby to spin the sphere with their hands. Worshippers lucky enough to touch the magic sphere immediately become disciples of the new Church and began speaking in tongues to one another.

giantaliensicon32

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

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Supreme Court Sets Holy Day For Atheists

Posted by LOTGK on April 1, 2009

Supreme Court Approves Atheist Holy Day

The United States Supreme Court heard arguments from an atheist support group (Empty Foxhole) hoping for equal time for holy days allotted to other religious groups. With the Christian holy day Easter and the Jewish holy day Passover just days away, Empty Foxhole brought to light the discrimination atheists receive with no such recognized days.

Originally, the case was deliberated for several months by the court justices listening to a passionate presentation by the lawyers of Empty Foxhole, but the judges unanimously declared the case dismissed.

The Empty Foxhole group immediately objected to the ruling stating, “How can the court possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and other holy days while the Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah. Yet my clients have no such holidays to observe.”

Upon hearing this, the Supreme Court issued the following statement. Concerning the idea that Atheists have no special holy days of their own, you are woefully incorrect. The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, ‘The fool says in his heart, there is no God.’ Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
Court is adjourned.

aprilfoolsicon32

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Posted in April Fools Day | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

The Meaning Of Life

Posted by LOTGK on July 16, 2008

On my way home from work last night, suddenly a very bright white light appeared and descended upon my car. The light slowly engulfed my car and I was then magically transported to a higher plane of existence in the universe. Still encompassed in the bright light, I was removed from the car by some unseen, unfelt source and found myself in the middle of a Buddhist temple.

When my eyes focused I saw 12 monks coming toward me. They began speaking and somehow I could understand their language. They began to teach me the meaning of life and all the wonders and joy that come with this great gift. The teachings of the monks continued for 20 years yet I didn’t age a day. I was then told it was time to go. The bright light was again upon me and in the blink of an eye, I was back in my car on the way home from work.

Stunned, I stopped my car to gather my wits. A glance at my watch told me I had been gone only a matter of seconds. Dazed and confused, I slowly made my way home. Amazingly, I remembered everything the monks taught me about the meaning of life. It was the most simplest of equations man could ever know. It was and still is right in front of our noses.

Before my memory fades of this wondrous gift bestowed upon me, I am sharing this with all the world to use in hopes that peace and prosperity reach us all in our life time.

In the simplest form, the meaning of life is…..
—-ERROR, EFX2 BLOGS SERVER CRASH!!!—
—-SYSTEM OFFLINE! DATA CORRUPTED AND OR LOST—

And that my friends lead to the road of enlightenment. I’m glad I could share this with you.

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LURKING, THE MORAL OF THE STORY, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

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The Post After 999

Posted by LOTGK on April 17, 2008

(Would You Mind Telling Me who’s Brain I Did Put In)

According to the new WordPress dashboard, (Which everyone loves so much) I noticed I have 999 posts here at the Grassy Knoll Institute. When I press the publish button, this post will be #1000. Yea baby yea!

I have not really thought about what I should post about for this milestone high water mark entry. Perhaps I should plead for world peace, for lower oil prices, for Simon Cowell of American Idol fame to wear a goddamn bra, to throwing the tea back into the harbor, or for politicians that do not lie, or dealing with an honest used car salesman, (One in the same perhaps) or finding empirical proof that aliens really do exist, and God for that matter, (That’s for you Cyn) or how many licks it does take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

My son, Lead Scientist of the Grassy Knoll Institute suggested I post about the times I almost burned down our secret headquarters, or electrocuted myself, not once, but thrice while doing some wiring work, or blowing up the bee hive buried in the ground in our back yard, or my balancing act on the ladder, (Or lack of balance) or what it really took to be a member of the Daredevils club, or my real theory pertaining to ABC’s Lost.

My wife Patty, the bank, brains, and beauty behind the blog, suggested dinner at her favorite restaurant without me taking my damn camera and photographing the meal I order.

Instead, I think I will simply say thank you to everyone that reads my quirky little blog. And to everyone who comments. And to those that have me linked and blogrolled on their own respective blogs and websites. And to General George S. Patton, for his genius in warfare and being a ruthless but fair bastard.

And for the others, I guess there is no pleasing you then.

Back To Inner Sanctum Archives

LURKING, 1000 TIMES OVER, ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Posted in Inner Sanctum | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments »

 
Grassy Knoll Institute

Home Of The 99 Cent Conspiracy Theory

Sladewilson: The War Journal Vol. 2

Entertainment Reviews - Video Games, Music, Television, Movies for the urban warrior... Adult Themes. Parential discretion advised...

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\"They all say Doooh\"

Ahrcanum

Conspiracy, HAARP, Earthquakes, Volcano's, Weather Modification, H1N1, Swine Flu, NWO, Politics, and other hedonistic topical articles from The CEO & Czar of The Committee In My Head. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Grassy Knoll Institute

Home Of The 99 Cent Conspiracy Theory

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