Grassy Knoll Institute FAQ”s
Q: What is the Grassy Knoll Institute?
A: The Grassy Knoll Institute, AKA as GKI, is the home of the 99 cent conspiracy theory. We keep overhead and expenses low to provide more affordable and better tasting conspiracy theories for our readers. The GKI rocket scientists gladly share our vast knowledge in all the disciplined fields of science, philosophy, and religion with sarcasm and a side of humor on the side.
Q: Who is the Curator?
A: He was the second shooter on the grassy knoll
Q: Who the hell is Shirley?
A: Surely you can’t be serious. I am serious… and don’t call me Shirley.
Q: Do you have a mascot?
A: Are you applying for the position?
Q: What is the Grassy Knoll Institutes best advice?
A: Never pet a burning dog. Think about it.
Q: How do I contact the Grassy Knoll Institute?
A: Just like that Mr. Einstein! If you do not understand, try using a Ouija board to contact us. We’re sometimes referred to as demons. But never on Tuesdays please, it’s a hassle to get sucked through the portals of hell during golf day.
Q: I don’t like the curator. I liked the old moderators better!
A: I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. But, in the spirit of fair play I will attempt to be nicer if you’ll try to be smarter.
Q: Is the Grassy Knoll Institute global?
A: Yes, we proudly span the globe with our dizzying intellect. Except for France.
Q: Why did the Grassy Knoll Institute leave Homestead for Go-Daddy?
A: Cause Yoko broke up the band. And because Homestead wrote a ton of worthless crappy code into the HTML pages. Also, Go Daddy offers the Grassy Knoll Institute unlimited space and bandwidth. Plus hot fudge sundae’s every other Tuesday. (Update Edit: The Grassy Knoll Institute has left Go-Daddy for WordPress for ease of use, multi automatic features, strong community, and unlimited bandwidth.)
Q: I think my computer is possessed by demons. What can I do?
A: Good question but more information is needed. The Grassy Knoll Institute needs to know what religious faith your computer is so we may prepare a response and a complete exorcism if required.
Q: I want to hotlink your photos, may I?
A: We love when ignorant hotlink whores steal our bandwidth. These mindless leeches don’t understand that a quick flip of a switch and the photo they stole can completely dominate their websites.
Q: I’ve never been so offended in my life by the content on your blog. What are you going to do about it?
A: Apparently you don’t get out enough!
Q: Did Americans really land on the moon or is it all a hoax?
A: Yes, we did. I was a stowaway on Apollo 11. I’m the one in the back, right side, gold leader helmet. Not to be confused with the thought screen helmet, which is an entirely different story.
Q: How old is the Grassy Knoll Institution?
A: I signed the Declaration of Independence.
Q: Do you really believe Lee Harvey Oswald had an accomplice?
A: The Grassy Knoll Institute has solid evidence that the French were involved.
Q: You were rude in replying to my comments. How do I report you?
A: I wasn’t being rude. You’re just insignificant.
Q: I read your article on the “Thought Screen Helmet” and how it effectively filters out telepathic contact from evil aliens attempting to control my thoughts and my very soul.
A: Although you didn’t ask a question, I feel compelled to answer you and inform you that any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Q: Do you really expect us to believe your conspiracy theory section?
A: No Mr. Bond. I expect you to die!
Q: What is the secret of the popular ABC television series Lost?
A: The Grassy Knoll Institute has from the pilot episode formulated a theory that the passengers of flight 815 are in a virtual reality laboratory, are all interconnected, they feel, sense, and experience what everyone else does, hence the strange occurrences and things and objects out of place. While in this virtual reality state, they are all being closely studied while a battery of tests and experiments are performed on them. And who is behind all this other than the mysterious government men? Aliens of course.
Q: It is said that the Grassy Knoll Institute is the cause of global warming. Is this true?
A: No, my powers can only be used for good.
Q: With your section on Catholic nuns of the 1960’s, you paint the Catholic church in a very unflattering way. Are you concerned for your soul and how your website affects others?
A: Yes, I am concerned but I do understand the Catholic faith. I went to a Catholic school from First through eighth grade with nuns as my teachers. I have a personal knowledge of the interpersonal workings of my faith from the original sin, venial and mortal sin, Limbo, Purgatory, Heaven and Hell. I am very confident.
Q: I don’t believe your segment on Giant Aliens is accurate. Other than your photoshopped pictures, do you have any other proof that aliens are among us?
A: There is no empirical evidence that God exists, yet billions of people believe and that is proof enough for the Grassy Knoll Institute.
Q: Your Sexy Sirens section is fantastic. I sure would like to meet me some of those beautiful women. Do you know any of them personally?
A: Save your breath….You’ll need it to blow up your date.
Q: I visit your site daily. I read every single word and entry. I usually spend 3-4 hours per day just on your site. Are you going to expand the Grassy Knoll Institute?
A: You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Q: How much revenue does the Grassy Knoll Institute generate?
A: As of this moment, the Grassy Knoll Institute is a nonprofit organization. Not by choice or design. However, the loyal dedicated scientists that work here, and I use the term “Work” lightly, are well compensated, have company vehicles, medical plans, 401K retirement plans, and most major holidays off with pay.
Q: Your site sucks. It’s boring, and a waste of bandwidth. Why would anyone come here and comment?
A: Well, you for starters. You came here, read the Grassy Knoll Institute and felt compelled to comment. My work is done here. And to reply to the first part of your query about the waste of bandwidth, the Grassy Knoll Institute simply replies…
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!