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When Zombies Attack Survival Guide

Posted by LOTGK on October 2, 2009


When Zombies Attack

When Zombies Attack

Something big is happening to our friends up North this week. Reports are sporadically coming in acknowledging a toxic substance, code named “Living Z” being exposed to the outside air. News sources specify a genome experiment in Halifax, Canada has gone frightening wrong resulting in a mutated virus that spreads upon contact. The containment field has been breached infecting the entire city. The mutation transforms whoever it comes in contact with into a zombie like state, loss of speech, diminished brain function, impaired mobility, and a bloodthirsty lust of human flesh. (Sort of like the U.S. Senate)

Halifax is now in lock down mode as the Canadian government is preparing to completely eradicate the city to contain the spread of the virus. However, news has already spread that the virus outbreaks have occurred outside the city limits and that contamination and infection will spread globally in a matter of a few days. The Grassy Knoll Institute is well prepared for this eventual Zombie Attack and are sending this message on our blog in hopes of warning others to avoid the zombie plague and offering vital information to survive this vanguard of invading zombies.

First things first. Due Diligence. The obvious. Know your enemy. You must determine what strain of zombie you are dealing with. This is vital! Is the zombie the George Romero Night Of The Living Dead strain, slow, ambles along, easy targets, can’t climb, swim, use tools, easily killed. Or are they the Resident Evil strain where they can run jump, run, climb, and form groups to to work together. By listening and viewing the sparse footage coming out of Halifax, we have determined the zombie strain is NOTLD. (Night Of The Living Dead)

Second, face the facts. Non-infected citizens must be prepared and know how to survive a zombie attack. There will be very little time to act as zombies will multiply faster than rabbits.

Seriously, lets begin at the origin of the outbreak, ground zero, Halifax City, Canada. Three hundred thousand people infected and immediately turned in to NOTLD Zombies. That leaves 6 billion living humans on the planet.

However, as zombies attack, their numbers will geometrically increase while decreasing the number of the living. (300,000 zombies bite 5 humans on day one. Result, 1.5 million zombies. Day two: 1.5 million zombies bite 5 humans. Result, 7.5 million zombies. Day three there will be 37 million zombies. Day four: 187 million. Day 5, 937 million. Day 6, 4.6 billion zombies, and by day 7, the world will be one giant zombie nation as more than 6 billion will be infected)

The clock is now ticking. Each and every hour the number of zombies will increase and the number of humans will decrease until it’s just the small pocket of marauders who have been lucky enough to read this blog while it is still online.

Killing all the zombies on the planet is not an option. The Grassy Knoll Institute has an average of 2200 readers per day. Let us assume that half of them heed the warning and listen to our advice and take shelter. (The other half are dumb asses and deserve to be turned into zombies) That leaves about 1100 people across the world alive. If each and every human killed 100 zombies per day, it would take 149 years to eradicate the zombie infestation. (100 zombies per day, times 1100 people, times 365 days a year, equals 40 plus million a year, times 149 years, equals just under 6 billion zombies) Eliminating them is not the answer. Isolation is the answer.

Third: A permanent impregnable fortress. Those lucky enough living on secluded islands with sparse population has a strong advantage. A small group of survivors can quickly and efficiently eradicate the zombie infestation on their island and live in peace with the ocean as their natural border. Occasional ships with zombies on board may drift into the islands shipping lane causing zombies to disembark the ship and onto the island, but the threat level can be eliminated with skillfully aimed guns at the slow ambling zombie targets.

For the rest of the land locked humans, we need to improvise. A ship without zombies sounds reasonable, knowing zombies cannot swim or climb. However, a ship is merely a quick fix solution. For escape purposes only. What happens when the food runs out in the ships galley? How will you replenish the food supply? Going ashore endangers the shore party leaving them vulnerable to a massive zombie attack.

Remember, the NOTLD zombie strain returns to familiar surroundings, like the mall, or school, and grocery store. Trying to raid a Super Wal-Mart for food and supplies after a zombie attack is pure suicide.

What the land locked humans need is a fortress, a castle type structure with a buffer zone perimeter. A moat type drainage system would be thought to be a good barrier. You would be wrong. Remember, zombies cannot swim. However, they can become an excellent foundation. As each wave of zombies enter the moat water, their bodies layer a new foundation lowering the water level. Eventually, the zombies will be able to walk across the moat and be at your castle or fortress door. Even using gasoline to burn the zombies bodies once the moat fills up will only last so long. Eventually, you will run out of gas.

A more traditional barrier needs to be in place. A fortified thick cement or steel wall surrounding your structure is the right choice. Remember, zombies cannot climb. Hence, when contacting a brick wall, the Animal House Band In The Alley Syndrome occurs. The zombies simply pile up against the wall and accumulate. Zombies cannot use tools or shovels to dig or poll vault over your wall making it impregnable.

Now, at this time, one may have the thought process to start mass killing the collected zombies at your wall. This is not a wise idea. If you start killing them, a layer of dead zombies can form allowing the zombies to step over their fallen brethren and scale the wall. Simply let the zombies be. If their guttural moans and growls get to you, let the radio blast, maybe some Captain And Tenille to torture them. Perhaps they would leave. This is an unknown at this time. Attempt several different variations of music. One brand of music may force them to vacate. Look at the effects Disco music had on people living the late 1970’s and early 1980’s.

Your structure selected should be large enough to house your group without crowding. Preferably with a fresh water lake one one side easily accessible. Remember, this is now your universe. Step outside, and you will become dinner. Next, fortify your structure, sealing off all entrances and walkways to your fortress. Forget about closing windows, unless they are above the reach line of the zombies. Explore your fortress making certain that an underground system doesn’t exist that would allow zombies to crawl or walk right into your compound. Many buildings have escape and fire exits. Find them and secure them.

OK, you have isolated yourselves from the zombie nation, and found a fortress that is impregnable and defensible. There are still things tasks you must complete before survival is insured.

Remember the geometric population explosion of the zombie nation. Food and supplies must be secured within three days or you will be running like a pack of wild dogs from the ensuing zombie horde.

Secure transport vehicles. Find a tractor trailer, a fuel taker, or two or three, head toward your local Super Wal-Mart. Separate into groups with each on a specific mission. Have one group load up as much canned foods goods as the trailer can hold. Use the fork lifts in the store to load the trailer high and tight. Use Wal-Marts own vehicles in their loading dock. Load trailer after trailer of canned and bagged goods.

A second group would secure as much water containers the store carries. Load the trailers high and tight.

A third group to secure as much clothing and bedding for all the seasons. Winter, spring, summer, or fall. All you have to do is call….

A fourth group to raid the gun and ammo department making sure to secure bow and arrows as well. Arrows are a renewable projectile, bullets, once they are gone, the gun is useless.

Make sure plenty of generators, tools and building material are secured, including lumber, nails, glue, light,s wiring, nuts, bolts, Etc.

Televisions, computers, stereo’s, and all the software and movies you can carry. Select all the titles. There are years worth of viewing material from classic television shows like the Twilight Zone by Rod Serling to more modern day sitcoms, drama, and entertaining shows. Plus all the DVD movies on the shelf. A viewing system much like network TV can be set up once situated in your fortress. perhaps a Monday night viewing lineup for 4-5 hours. This will maintain some sort on sanity while you are couped up in the fortress.

One more thing, drugs are pharmacy items. Stock up on all the bandages, medicines, drugs, pills, ointments, you can get your hands on. They will be handy later on during your new existence in zombie land.

Lastly, make sure to have a group as look outs and armed for any zombie intruders. Keep in mind, that once the zombies spot you, or sniff you out, they will be relentless in their goal. To eat your brains. Hordes of them will soon arrive.

Another very important resource needed will be renewable power. Find a “Green” friendly business with solar powered panels. Secure every one of them. Renewable power will be a key asset after the fossil fuel, gasoline runs dry.

Now take all your supplies to your fortress. Collect passenger transport vehicles on the way. You may need them for later. Unload and begin an inventory or materials on hand.

Once the supplies are stowed away and the fortress secure, the group must form a chain of command, a leadership group by a popular vote from all the members. Rules and laws need to be written and enforced.

Before the colony settles in, have a think tank discussion. Prepare for the unexpected. What if a member becomes infected? What is the procedure when a member dies? What happens if a breech does occur?
And most important of all. Have an exit plan in place in case all hell breaks loose and you need to abandon the fortress. Create a buddy system where each member has a responsibility to look out for another so when it is time to leave in a hurry, no one is left behind.

The above manual will be an invaluable guide to successfully survive this current zombie Attack. Follow its guidelines closely. It is now your only chance of remaining with the living and not joining the legion of the undead.

“They’re Coming To Get You Barbara….”

Happy Halloween – Samhain


Back To Halloween Dark Zone Archives


14 Responses to “When Zombies Attack Survival Guide”

  1. Eng8te said

    Very informative guide for sure and wouldn’t you know it would be those Canadian scientists that doomed the world.

  2. LOTGK said

    I heard the serum came from a company called Manticore based out of Seattle, Washington.

  3. Eddy said

    How timely for this zombie survival guide as several zombies are milling around outside my apartment right now.

    • LOTGK said

      That’s why I post the blog. exactly for situations as yours. Glad the Grassy knoll institute was able to help. See you at the secret sanctuary.

  4. Valdunagan said

    You mean, in seven days, the entire population will be zombified? I must move closer to Megan Fox. Must move closer to Megan Fox.

  5. Anti-christ said

    What a splendid ending befitting Mankind. I must prepare the serum post haste.

  6. Ediths Edicts said

    I see you have put a lot of thought into this supposed zombie attack. What happens if there is only a small group of people, under 10 instead of the 1100 or so you propose. What then?

  7. IF you had a few ex-military types among your survivors, including a pilot and an armorer you could get a few jets up and running and use napalm on them. Or a nice flamethower flambe a la zombie.

    Everytime I see that photo I remember why I and my fellow Pittsburghers missed our chance to be movie immortals.

    We missed by a day to become zombies in the Original Night of the Living Dead.

    A bunch of us did go out and watch the zombies attack the house and eat their entrails and stuff.

    Watching the finished film was particularly creepy as a number of the people delivering the news reports were local people including Bill ” Chilly Willy ” Cardille, the local Pittsburgh Horror Host.

    I did get a measure of immortality later on when I was a guest on Bob Wilkin’s Creature Features and for years thereafter people would come up to me and say :

    ” I saw you on Creature Features. ”

    Bob passed away this year and is sadly missed.

    • LOTGK said

      Good points on the flame throwers. Those zombies have to begin to stink sooner or later. Clense with fire.

      I remember Chilly and Shock Theater.

      To bad you were one day late for the extra’s in the cult classic. One of the best horror films of all time.

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