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The Death Of Telemarketing

Posted by LOTGK on October 10, 2007

The Rise And Fall Of The Telemarketer And The Spiders From Mars

With the new “Do Not Call” list becoming ever more effective, telemarketing has been waning. Ohh, I miss the old days when one could practice their craft of confronting these callers. No more will I receive calls right at dinner time with someone trying to sell me storm windows or change my long distance telephone service. No more canned unrehearsed sales pitches in monotone voices. Now, the calls are rare, maybe once a week and I must seize every opportunity to spread my joy and happiness to all.

So, if you are like me, and want to have a little fun with the remaining telemarketers, cozy up next to the warm glow of your computer screen and learn the secrets to combat the dreaded telemarketer. You will learn how to fight back and have them never call your house again.

The Hold On A Sec Technique

Let’s begin, the phone rings, the telemarketer asks if you are Mr. so and so. Of course your name is pronounced incorrectly. Then the drivel begins.

A quick diffusion to this type of call is to simply say these magic words. “Hold on a minute please.” Now it’s your turn to take action. Put down the phone and walk away. Make the telemarketer wait. In a few minutes, pick up the receiver, and if the telemarketer is still there, say the magic words again. They will get the hint and you will hear the phone hang up.

The Whistle Technique

Another favorite of mine is to use a whistle as your reply to a question by the telemarketer. An example: Telemarketer asks if you would like a great deal on storm windows. You reply by taking your referee whistle and blowing it as loud and as long as you can into the receiver. When you are out of breath and the shrill sound of the whistle has subsided, ask the telemarketer, “Next question please.” I haven’t had any telemarketer ask more than two questions with using the whistle technique.

The Crime Scene Technique

Let the telemarketer ramble on and then interrupt him/her and ask quietly, almost in a whisper if they know how to get blood stains out of a carpet. Some telemarketers will carry on. Let them but interrupt once again and inform them that it’s a really big blood stain and start asking them the questions on carpet cleaning, where to buy really big plastic bags, and hiding evidence. You will quickly get the click of the phone.

The Call Back Technique

Inform the telemarketer that it is not a good time right now, but you are very, very interested in what they are selling. Quickly ask them for their phone number so you can call them back to place an order at another time. Some NEWBIES will rattle off the number in hopes that you will call back. Well, of course you don’t want the junk they are selling, but you will of course call them back. Check your clock and notice the time they called. Wait 10 hours and then give them a call. When they answer, simply yell into the receiver, “JACKASS” and hang up. Continue calling every few hours and with the same “JACKASS” scream. When you wake in the middle of the night, give the JACKASS a call. Make him earn every penny.

The Loan technique

Let the telemarketer complete his canned speech. Then quickly ask him for a loan of $10,000.00 dollars. When he/she explains that storm windows are being sold here, quickly agree and say “Yes, please, can I borrow $10,000.00 dollars please to buy them?” Answer every question in this manner. The phone will go silent and he/she will never call again.

The Hard of Hearing Technique

This is one of my favorites. Let the telemarketer blaze through the canned speech. Then ask “What?” Let them repeat. again, ask “What?” Repeat as often as needed. Usually two whats will do it.

The Foreign Language Technique

Let the telemarketer go through his speech. Then fake a foreign language. Just start saying in your worst Russian accent,

“Portata ka chita ka chita portata.” Answer every question with the previous sentence. The line will go silent.

There you have it. Sure fire ways to rid yourself of pesky telemarketers and have a little fun along the way.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

3 Responses to “The Death Of Telemarketing”

  1. Mark said

    This is a great blog, take it from a guy in the industy, I work at Tele Resources, inc., we miss those creative customers!

  2. LOTGK said

    How’s your web site going Mark? My God, even on the net telemarketing spam is present.

    Hold on, let me get my whistle!!!

  3. CDorman said

    I got on a list of mortgage brokers. The Indian callers are inhumanly persistent. Not even a whistle worked — never mind telling them their calling when asked to stop is illegal. What worked finally was to download an MP3 of a number-not-in-service recording, like here

    Just use caller ID to buy time to set up the MP3 during the first rings, then play it as soon as you pick up (on a phone close to your PC).

    As for creative, this beats all:

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