It was 1980. A new decade. A new hope. Hopefully a new job. I was 20 years old and a Junior in college when the planets cosmically aligned thus setting me on a strange and bizarre sojourn as a newly hired employee at a little red pole barn in Columbiana. This sojourn is titled, “My Office Has A Window” even though in reality, there were no windows at all.
Chapter Seven – Helter Skelter
When I get to the bottom
I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop and turn
and I go for a ride
Till I get to the bottom and I see you again
After a bizarre start of my working career at Hotel Columbiana, (You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave, Guitar Riff) I felt prepared for any upcoming events in my future. Little did I realize that the bizarre and unusual were considered business as usual here?
Take for instance, our annual company lamb roast party held every Memorial Day weekend. The lamb roast was a major company event. It seemed that only good things became of the enchanted roasts like having two of the best Greek chef available. (All the other chefs had actual barbecues to oversee) Actually, we had a father and son tandem as chefs known throughout the land as Mad Max and his son Zorba. (Two bits, four bits, six bits, a peso, all for Zorro stand up and say so) It would seem to be the only time those two were seen working. Any other time you saw them, they had a big scheme to make millions.
Continuing with the lamb roast. Fellow employee Zimmer had the all time, crowd quieting toast of all time. Zimmer started in with family values and religious beliefs and went down hill from there. Twenty some years later, all Zimmer says at work now is, “Do you want fries with that,” and, “Please pull around to the first window.”
As lamb roasts come and go another one sticks in my memory. It was the time when Bob and Buff took over as co-chefs. (Apparently Mad Max and Zorba could not make it) I arrived at the party a little late and I wondered why nobody was eating the lamb. A little birdie told me that Buff decided it needed more spices and juiced it up. At least that was his official story.
The real truth was that he was hanging with his buddy Wiser all day and sprayed the lamb with a chemical fire extinguisher by accident. Buff and Bob thought they would “Smoke” the lamb and needed water to spray on it to create the sizzle and smoke flavor. Thinking that the fire extinguisher they grabbed was only water, they unloaded the contents all over the lamb while it was still on the spit. The damn lamb was foaming and bubbling from the chemicals. C’mon, lets eat!
It was also a lamb roast day when Mac’s girlfriend Teresa, (Remember her from the American Legion Hall) had her husband out looking for him. Teresa finally told her husband that her and Mac were lovers. I never saw Mac run so fast around the compound. Technically, Mac didn’t need to run very fast. He just needed to shamble along to out run the husband. Remember, he got run over by a train and he wasn’t to speedy. However, Mac may have been worried about possible gun play. (Remember when I spoke of Karma earlier, well, Mac was getting a double dose)
LURKING, I NEED SOME WINDEX ON THE GRASSY KNOLL