Ursuline High School Marching Band

Every Christmas our family gets together for the holiday and after dinner old family stories are retold again and again. Most of the family would gather in the family room and recount those funny stories from our past. One of my favorite stories is about the poem my Dad wrote about his high school he attended. (Ursuline High School, Youngstown Ohio)

The year was 1942, and his teacher, (Of course was a Catholic Nun) handed out an English assignment. Each student was to write a poem about something uplifting about Ursuline High School.

Mt Dad was called by the nun to read his poem aloud in front of the class. Dad cleared his throat and read aloud…

The Majorettes came on the field,
The first in Ursuline’s history.
Followed by the marching band,
But what they’re playing is a mystery.

All the students in class burst out in laughter. However, the Ursuline Nun was not amused. She immediately sent my Dad down to the office. He took his seat and awaited his punishment.

Father Gallagher, (Yes, an Irish priest) walked into the office and sat at his chair and asked my Dad why he was sent to the office. My Dad told him the Nun did not like his poem. Father Gallagher asked my Dad to recite the poem. My Dad did.

Father Gallagher seemed to almost smirk and told my Dad to get the Hell out of the office and back to class.

Like father, like son.

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Anatomy Of A Catholic Mass

I have been asked by many non-Catholics just what goes on during a Sunday mass. Being a former Altar Boy, I think I can amply field this question.

To the naked eye and non believers, it appears that Sunday mass is nothing more than a very upscale exercise program. You see a lot of standing, sitting, standing, sitting, kneeling, singing, standing, sitting, and walking. (A regular aerobic exercise) (They should charge for the workout. Get your heart and soul fit with the Lord)

But to the trained observer (Me) and Catholic parishioners, there really is a method to the madness. As always, to understand, we must start at the beginning.

Catholic mass can be broken down into 5 segments.
1) Intro
2) Damnation
3) Fire and Brimstone
4) Feast
5) Outro

The Intro, or introduction of the mass, is a very important part. This part determines the length of the mass by what priest is running the show. A Parrish usually has 2-3 priests in the collective and each one has their own style and pace to say mass. Depending on your luck of the draw, you could be in for a 20 minute, 45 minute, or 75 minute or more service. (No matter the length, at this point everyone is standing.)

How the priest begins mass tells you everything you need to know how long the mass will be. The long version introduction begins with the priest, altar boys, deacon, and a member of the congregation carrying the good book. They all gather at the back of the church and make a grand entrance with organs blazing. It’s sort of like a parade, just one you don’t want to go to.

The cross bearer altar boy leads the way, followed closely by the good book carrier, then a short distance behind are the altar boy servers, then the deacon, usually in a beard and robe, and lastly, the priest slowly walking up the center church aisle taking his place on the altar facing the congregation as we belt out one of the classics.

The medium version is less drawn out. There is no book hauler, no deacon, no cross bearer, just two altar boys and the priest. The medium mass has the procession coming from the side entrance, a much shorter distance, hence, a much shorter hymn. The altar boys walk in front of the priest and all three walk immediately up to the altar.

The short version is quicker yet. There is no procession and no hymn. Just a short blast from the organ and as if by magic, the priest and altar boys seem to appear on the altar and the mass begins straight away. (Usually, there is an entrance behind the altar that the priest and altar boys come out from. No trap doors or smoke screens like magicians use)

Each priest would then stay in long, medium, or short mode for the rest of the mass meaning each segment would either be long and drawn out or fly like shit through a goose.

It was obvious the priest saying the short mass was the most popular and best attended services. Parishioners knew that speedy Father Flanigan always did the 10 am service and the church would be packed. Twenty minutes to save your soul on a Sunday morning was far better than the 75 minutes of hell at the 11:30 service. Us Catholics ain’t no dummies. We’re damned to hell, but ain’t no dummies.

However, the church countered with a revised schedule and rotated the priests for different mass times not letting the congregation know in advance who would be saying what mass. (Bastards!)

The intro is over. We now move forward to the second segment of a Catholic mass, The Damnation. (Consisting of standing then sitting several times with a few Amens tossed in.)

The Damnation covers several rituals of the mass. The first being the evil look of the priest upon late comers attempting to sneak into the back of the church after mass had started. Usually these late comers would try to quickly blend in. Some would take the first available pew and stare straight ahead. Some would walk to the back of the church in the dimly lit part and stand. And some would walk in and immediately stop at random, and stay in that exact spot for the duration. Much like a deer being caught in the headlights of a pickup truck full of rednecks hunting for Thanksgiving Day dinner.

The second part of the damnation comes during the prayer and hymn sessions. (During this part, there are some rapid standing and sitting protocols.) You must learn to follow along. Otherwise, you are hopelessly lost. (Like Born Again Christians)

The priest would scan the congregation searching for parishioners not participating. When he spotted one not singing or saying the prayer loud enough, he would zero in on him/her, maintain eye contact until the entire congregation was looking at this poor soul, and then slowly but deliberately, shake his head back and forth in disgust. The unlucky soul would then be the talk of the morning during coffee and dough nuts after mass. You could bet he or she would be singing loud and proud next week damn it.

After Damnation, we move into the third segment, Fire And Brimstone. (Also known as the Gospel reading and sermon) Each Sunday, the priest would take to his pulpit and read aloud from the Gospel. He would pick a passage meant to inspire the congregation to be generous, forgiving, and to love God. (But mostly to be generous, especially during the collection plate pass around) (This segment involved only sitting for fear the priests words would make people pass out in fright and fall down.)

After the Gospel reading, the priest would offer his sermon to us all. (I would describe us as lambs being led to slaughter) The sermon was supposed to touch on the Gospel passage and how we in modern times, abide or deny the teachings of Christ.

Instead, we usually got the priest yelling at the congregation about the pitiful collection from last weeks masses. He would stress that the church needs even more money from us to continue doing God’s work. (Didn’t Jesus give away all his possessions) He would say those of us not giving at least 10% of our income should be ashamed to be Catholic and we better make it up in this week’s collection lest the Lord look poorly upon us. (Apparently, the priest had a hot tip for the football game later that day)

The priest would then shift gears and drop it down into overdrive. His eyes would turn a golden brown and fire would come out of his mouth. (No, not really! But it sounded like it) At this point, the priest would rant and rave about how we, the congregation, need to help the church with more than just money donations. He would preach that there was plenty of work to be done around the school and church. He needed parents to volunteer for coaching, CCD class, hot lunch program, maintenance and repair of the church, rectory, and school. And the priests car.

All this time his hands would be very mobile waving them up and down and back and forth. Reminded me of a pizza maker, the way he would throw the dough in the air and spin it around. (If this priest thing didn’t work out, Cornersburg Pizza shop could certainly use him)

It was now time for the Feast, segment 4, also known as communion time. (This segment involves standing, walking, kneeling, sitting, more standing, kneeling, and finally sitting.)

But first, we had to pay for the feast. The ushers would appear carrying felt covered baskets with very long handles and place it right under your nose and wait for you to open your wallet or purse and dump your cash into the basket. The ushers were very skilled at handling the baskets as never a dollar bill hit the floor. Once the baskets were full, the feast would begin.

Next, the priest and altar boys would huddle together with some secret handshakes and whispered incantations on the altar as gifts were exchanged and promises made. (I will explain all in a future update, I promise) A few bells rings signified that the feast was ready to be served. The ushers quickly came to the front of the church to prevent a stampede to the altar. (The food must really be good.) As the congregation filed up to the altar in perfect straight lines, hands folded, and without talking, it dawned on me why the Catholic nuns made us school kids practice forming lines every day. For the feast!

Finally, the Outro is upon us. (This segment involves sitting, then standing, and finally, walking or running out of the church to your car.)

The Outro is signaled by the lurkers in the back of the church edging towards the exit doors. Beating the traffic is a big part of Catholic mass. With only one road leaving the church, traffic backs up quickly. The priest asks the congregation to please rise, (Please, so now he’s fucking polite, where was the politeness when he told us we were all going to hell for not putting enough money in the collection basket.) (I must confess, once I put an empty envelope in the collection basket and signed someone else’s name to it. I am sure that family got the full frontal fire and brimstone from the happy betting priest)

Once the congregation were standing, the priest would say a quick prayer, make the sign of the cross and announce, “The mass is ended, you may go in peace.” By the time the word peace was uttered, more than half the people were already battling each other in the parking lot.

There you have it. A typical Catholic mass explained. I know after you read this, you will all want to convert to Catholicism. Who would want to miss out on this action.

BTW, this was the 11:30 am mass. Next time, maybe you will get lucky and get the short version.

Short Version: Stand, Amen, sit, stand, Amen, sit, sit, stand, Amen, kneel, stand, form a line, walk, knell, sit, stand, leave. Salvation!

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My First Holy Communion

I had just endured and survived my first holy Confession on Saturday: (Walk in single line into church on Saturday, sit in pews, wait for red light to go out, watch kid with freshly cleansed soul walk out, walk in confessional box, sit down, wait for priest, tell your sins, lie about a few of them, wait for absolution, get lecture, get absolution, finally, get penance, leave confessional, kneel in pews, say penance, leave church.) leaving me with a clean slate on my soul but not on My Permanent Record. Dare I say I was ready for the next phase of my catholic faith, my first holy communion.

Damn, (Say two Our Fathers and two Hail Mary’s) I thought I was ready, but I found out there was actually a class for holy communion. And I had to study and there would be tests. Jesus Christ! (Say another 5 Our fathers and Five Hail Mary’s for taking the Lord’s name in vain) Seriously, how hard could it be. I have been dragged to church for several years and I did watch what the adults did when it was time for holy communion.

Stand up when it was your row’s turn, fold your hands in prayer, get in line, walk up to the priest at the altar, open your mouth, stick your tongue out at the priest, (That was the great part) exchange some secret words, take the host on your tongue, close your mouth, say Amen, turn and walk back in line to your pew, kneel, and say a prayer. I had this down, I didn’t need to take any stinking tests or read any books on first communion. I was ready dammit. (Close profanity word, just in case, say three Our Fathers and a sincere Act of Contrition)

Alas, the Nuns had other plans for us. For weeks, we practiced the above ritual. Getting in line, (Like we never had to get in line at school before, lines were our goddamn lives, (Yes, more Hail Mary’s) we knew how to get in a line) walking up to the altar, simulating taking the host, and returning to our pews. We practiced day in and day out, took test after written test until we were ready. We even learned new church songs for this festive occasion. Let There Be Peace On Earth is the only song I can remember. Even back then, in second grade, the Nuns told me to sing the hymns very quietly so as to not take the rest of the class out of tune. (Fucking bitch nuns!) (Ten Hail Mary’s, Ten Our Fathers)

That Sunday morning, I prepared for church, and being that it was my first communion, I wasn’t allowed to eat anything an hour before church. Damn, (Two Hail Mary’s, Two Our Fathers) I was screwed. I didn’t have time to get dressed and eat breakfast. I went hungry. Instead of eating, I had to put on my new shoes, new dark blue navy pants, white shirt, and clip on blur navy tie. Even for church, I had to wear a goddamn uniform. (Just keep saying the Rosary for penance)

When we arrived at church, the nuns herded all the first communion kids into the back hall of the church. We were ready to demonstrate that after two months of practice, we could walk down the aisle in a single file line. (Very impressive. But you are not a Jedi Knight yet!)

A few minutes before the show got on the road, the nuns opened a small canister that contained the thin white wafer hosts. The nuns said these were un-blessed and were to be used as practice hosts. WTF! (A solid Act of Contrition please) Apparently, as the story went from the nuns, several years back, a first holy communion kid almost choked to death when he received his host from the priest because it stuck to the roof of his mouth and he panicked causing him to spit the body of Christ out of his mouth. Luckily, the altar boy caught the host with his paten (Plate) before the blessed host hit the ground.

Anyway, the nuns said we were to practice with these ones before we went live. Of course mine got caught on the roof of my mouth. I didn’t spit it out though. I used my tongue to slowly move it and un-stick it from the roof of my mouth. (All you Catholics know exactly what I mean.)

A minute later, the main event was on. All of us slowly began our march up the church aisle hands folded in (Steeple prayer mode) and promptly took our place at the front of the church.

Thirty minutes later, it was our time. Ready to accept the body and blood of Christ for the first time. As I approached the altar and kneeled I made sure I didn’t stumble or fall off the kneeler as I stayed perfectly still. The priest made his way down the altar like an assembly line worker. I could hear him saying over and over again, “The body of Christ,” as if he were asking us a question not making a statement.

About two kids away, I thought about the body and blood of Christ and a moment of terror filled my mind. I forgot all about the “Blood” part. The bible story about Jesus changing water into wine popped into my head and I wondered if the practice water based host I had earlier would taste the same as the blood version. I was about to find out.

My turn was here. The priest approached me, whispered, “The body of Christ” and I correctly answered “Amen,” opened my mouth, stuck out my tongue and received the host. I got up, returned to my pew, kneeled and said said my communion prayer.

I was now a full fledged Catholic. A member of the gang. I was wondering if I got to vote now on church hymns and Gospel passages. (I wasn’t) Instead, I was treated to a first communion breakfast and afterward, I had a small family party, sort of like my birthday.

The next week, when communion time came, I strolled up with the rest of the adults, kneeled down and waited for the priest to come my way. Being the old pro I performed the ritual without a glitch. However, I was stuck at the kneeler. My right knee had slipped between the dividers and I was stuck. Damn! (Three Hail Mary’s and three Our Fathers)

Using the railing I pushed with all my might and in doing so lost my balance and although I didn’t hit the ground I looked like I was drunk doing the humpty dance trying to regain my balance. I got several snickers from the congregation and a death stare from my mother. Several nuns on the side also gave me the evil eye. Even out of school I was getting in trouble with the god damn nuns. (Five Hail Marys)

Next Sunday would be better. I swear!

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Managing Venial And Mortal Sins

How To Manage Venial And Mortal Sins

From the dawn of the 1960′s to the 7th year of the third Millennium. My, my, my, how times have changed. Especially the Catholic faith.

I learned a lot about my religion while growing up Catholic in the 1960′s. From the Nuns that taught and sometimes fought the students to the priests that looked more like Dracula than your ordinary Padre. One of the most important lessons was the topic of sin. Mortal and Venial sins to be exact and how they affected our souls and the consequences we would have to accept if we were so unlucky to die carrying a mortal sin on our souls.

I present to you the whirlwind tour of the Catholic faith as taught to me in the 1960′s by some pretty mean and intimidating nuns.There are two types of sin. Venial sin and Mortal sin. Yea, there is the original sin we are all born with but basically, there are only two.

A Venial sin is an offense against God that will not hinder your chances of getting into Heaven when you die. An example is:

Mother: Patrick, did you break our neighbors basement window?

Patrick: No mother, it wasn’t me. It was Jack who broke the window.

A Mortal Sin is more serious and thus certain conditions must apply for a mortal sin to be committed. Three conditions need to be present. They are, The sin must be deliberate, with full knowledge that it is wrong, and it must be a grave matter. An example is:

Prosecutor: And I will show that the defendant willfully, knowingly, with premeditation, murdered the victim.

Patrick: No, it wasn’t me. It was Jack who did it.

With this knowledge, you are now ready to understand the Catholic psyche and all our idiosyncrasies.

I was taught that divorce was a mortal sin and if you got a divorce you would go straight to hell. No passing go, no collecting $200.00. Unless you were the winning spouse in divorce court. Apparently, half of the population is destined for hell for the big D reason alone. Some say marriage was hell on Earth so what could the devil really do to you?

I was taught that babies that died before they were baptized went to a place called Limbo. Parishioners than had to go to church and pray for their lost souls and offer up indulgences to help the babies get to heaven.

I was taught that if you had a mortal sin on your soul and you died you went straight to hell. No questions asked. That was a heavy responsibility as a child. Knowing that you had your soul’s fate in your hands, I made damn sure that I looked both ways when crossing the street so I wouldn’t wind up in hell holding a mortal sin getting creamed by a car.

I was taught that intercourse was strictly for procreation. Any other reason and you went right to the hot spot. And I don’t mean the G spot.

I was taught that premarital sex was a mortal sin and if you participated in this heinous mortal sin then you would go straight to hell when you die.

I was taught that people who had venial sins on their soul when they died went to purgatory, a sort of waylay station to heaven. These people would have to stay there until enough people prayed for them or offered indulgences (otherwise known as money in an envelope) to help these poor saps get into the kingdom of heaven.

I was also taught that you could begin paying off your purgatory time while still on Earth. Not by prayer, but by an extra envelope in the Sunday collection plate. The more money, the less time in Purgatory. Sort of like paying off a retirement home mortgage.

I was taught that you couldn’t eat for at least an hour before you accepted holy communion. Then they changed it. I guess I missed that amendment of the bible. Sounds awfully like the old standard wait an hour after you eat to go back into the swimming pool.

I was taught that God was everywhere, knew everything, was all powerful, and all loving. But damn, don’t question the nuns about it.

I was taught that my confirmation was me standing up as an adult and accepting Christ as my God.

I was taught by the nuns that we all had a guardian angel that looked after us and reported back to God and the nuns when we did bad things. One day, the nuns even told us to introduce ourselves to our guardian angel. We all looked to our right and said hello to our guardian angel. Expecting an answer, the class all continued to stare to the right in hopes of hearing a return greeting. All except Angelo who sat in the back. He was already carrying on a conversation with his guardian angel like he was an old friend. (Yes, the same Angelo that got stung by all the bee’s)

I was taught that if I asked questions about bible stories such as Adam and Eve and Noah’s Ark, I would get whisked down to the principals office in a heartbeat. When the nuns did not have an answer, you were in big trouble for it made it seem that the nuns didn’t know everything there was to know about the Catholic religion.

I was taught that God was three people, God the father, the son, and the holy ghost. The holy ghost got updated to holy spirit around 7th grade. I asked if God was three people before he sent his son Jesus to earth to save our souls. I was whisked off to the principals office.

I was taught that Catholics could only marry other Catholics. If you married outside of the church, it was a mortal sin giving you a red eye ticket to hell, and you were excommunicated from the church meaning you could no longer receive the holy sacraments. (Many of my neighbors and friends were destined for hell for sure on this one.)

I was taught that an angel came to Mary and Joseph and told them that they were going to have the Christ child. They were not married to one another. That line of questioning earmarked another trip to the principals office for me.

I was taught that going to confession and telling the priest your sins and then saying a few Hail Mary’s and Our Fathers and our soul would be set free and clear. Now if we died, we would go straight to heaven. This is why most Catholic children did most of their sinning on Friday knowing full well that on Saturday we would be whisked off to confession to get a new clean slate. I figured that I could take the chance of several mortal sins and a full line of venial sins for a day or two. Again, just keep the ever watchful eye out when crossing the street.

I was taught that it was your obligation to go to mass every Sunday. Then it was changed to Saturday afternoon as long as it was after 4PM. I missed that amendment to the bible as well. If you didn’t make it to church, you would receive a mortal sin.

For us Catholics, God works in mysterious ways indeed.

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