Catholic Nuns Legendary Lightning Eraser Release

No One Dared To Test

Sister Mary Badass walked the streets of San Juan Puerto Rico with confidence knowing her legendary eraser release was not only deadly but lightning fast. Jaun and Hector, survivors of 8th grade Catholic school attempt to blend in to the background after learning the hard lesson not to attack Catholic nuns. The New York Yankee’s could have used Bad-Ass this season.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Ursuline High School Marching Band

Every Christmas our family gets together for the holiday and after dinner old family stories are retold again and again. Most of the family would gather in the family room and recount those funny stories from our past. One of my favorite stories is about the poem my Dad wrote about his high school he attended. (Ursuline High School, Youngstown Ohio)

The year was 1942, and his teacher, (Of course was a Catholic Nun) handed out an English assignment. Each student was to write a poem about something uplifting about Ursuline High School.

Mt Dad was called by the nun to read his poem aloud in front of the class. Dad cleared his throat and read aloud…

The Majorettes came on the field,
The first in Ursuline’s history.
Followed by the marching band,
But what they’re playing is a mystery.

All the students in class burst out in laughter. However, the Ursuline Nun was not amused. She immediately sent my Dad down to the office. He took his seat and awaited his punishment.

Father Gallagher, (Yes, an Irish priest) walked into the office and sat at his chair and asked my Dad why he was sent to the office. My Dad told him the Nun did not like his poem. Father Gallagher asked my Dad to recite the poem. My Dad did.

Father Gallagher seemed to almost smirk and told my Dad to get the Hell out of the office and back to class.

Like father, like son.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Do Black Patent Leather Shoes Really Reflect Up

Patent Leather Shoes Do Reflect Up

The age-old question for every Catholic school boy in the 1960′s was; Do black patent leather shoes reflect upwards? Wait a minute, you don’t know what that means?

You see, in the 1960′s at Catholic grade school, it was pretty difficult to get a little female action as there were a few obstacles in our way. First, the girls had to wear ugly ass uniforms with the hem having to touch the knee making them feel non-sexy.
Second, they were Catholic grade school girls. (Only the good die young) They were indoctrined early to stay chaste.
Third, there were approximately 100 Catholic nuns (I say approximately 100 nuns for they never let on to their exact number perhaps to keep us off guard) patrolling the halls and class rooms just waiting for a boy to make eye contact with a girl for more than three seconds. (Three seconds was the standard time frame) A mere second longer, and the nuns would administer blunt force trauma.

However, all hope wasn’t lost. The boys did have a well-known secret kept among ourselves. We knew the secret that black patent leather shoes really did reflect up. You see, it was our only hope of stealing a glimpse of girls underwear as they were waiting in line at the drinking fountain, or lining up to go out on the playground for recess, or even marching into church. Since most of the girls wore black shoes, and if the lighting was just right, we were treated to a magnificent view. (Way better than the National Geographics)

There were many a sunny days on the playground that a small crowd of boys gathered around several select girls unwittingly displaying her underwear. Thinking back, I believe that perhaps many of the girls knew of this phenomenon as well and out of the goodness of their hearts offered us cheap thrills to get us through religion class. Perhaps they wanted our lunch and mass money, or both. Welcome to Catholic grade school, 1965.

Thank Christ the Nuns wore flat black (Non shiny) shoes. I would have been scarred for life.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

Catholic Nuns Unveiled

Dance For Me

Ever wonder what Catholic Nuns look like outside the church walls? Wonder no more, the Grassy Knoll Institute snapped this rare photograph of four Nuns out loose in the wild.

As evidenced, Catholic Nuns are a very dangerous species. Upon them hearing the click of my digital camera, (50 Fucking Feet Away) all four nuns reeled around in unison pointing their hand guns with deadly aim at my head. (Notice the pleasure it caused them to have me in their sites)

I was lucky to escape. My 8 years of attending Catholic grade school in the 1960′s helped me survive.

Every child learned the Duck and Serpentine manuever. It was a critical lesson of survival. With an eraser in hand, a nuns aim was deadly.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL