The Statues Are Alive In Here

Statues Come Alive

Back in late January, I was at the Halloween trade show hosted in Houston, Texas. This trade show caters to everything Halloween with literally thousands of booths selling costumes, candy, decorations, props, and even True Blood and Zombie Blood energy drinks.

Throughout the show aisles, there were hundreds of full-sized movie props. I spied a life-like Michael Myers from the movie Halloween, Freddy Kruegger from Nightmare On Elm Street, Jason from Friday The 13th, even the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. And of course some very sexy women dressed is adult Halloween costumes.

My company was located on one of the main aisle rows but our view was obscured by a granite statue of a woman with wings attached. The statue was set atop a granite pedestal. As work would have it, the show was under way and the floor got plenty busy with buyers looking for the best Halloween deals.

This Statue Just Moved

About a half hour later I took a glance down the row and saw our statue. But something was different. The statue had moved. The position and pose was different.

I immediately thought of the English Television science fiction program, Doctor Who. In one episode the Doctor battled a race of aliens who were “Live” statues. As long as you were looking at the alien statues, they wouldn’t move. But take your eyes off them for just one second and they would move against you. It was exactly what my statue was doing. (Yes, this statue was now mine. I would know it’s secrets)

Another hour passed and the statue had changed several positions but never at a time when I was watching. A little while later, a show employee came over to the statue and to my amazement, she stepped down off the pedestal with the employee’s help and walked away. Holy shit! It wasn’t a statue at all, but a woman. She must have amazing muscle control to stay completely still for long periods of time.

Sixty minutes or so passed and the statue girl returned. The employee helped her back on the pedestal and she assumed a pose. I decided to put her to the test. I made eye contact with her and gave her the universal signal of “I’ve got my eyes on you” (Two finger peace sign pointing to your eyes and quickly rotating them to point at the person you were watching.) She was now on notice and I would see her move.

Continuing to watch, many people walked by and were astonished at how life-like the statue girl was. Many people took almost the same photograph as the photo’s above. Some would talk to her hoping to make her move. I likened it to tourists attempting to make the English Royal Guards at Buckingham Palace smile or move. She did not fail. She stood tall and proud. And damn it, I didn’t see her move again until the employee came to assist her down for her break.

Our dance continued for the rest of the day. Me trying to get a glimpse of her moving and changing positions and she being a perfect statue. I finally got a break late in the day and went over to talk to her. Having observed the other people who attempted to do the same, I knew it would be a one way conversation.

As I approached her, I could see her eyes shifted and she was looking at me. I asked her a favor, and said I would certainly understand if she couldn’t grant my request. After all, this was her job.

What I asked was: I would like my buddy to take a picture of her and me. Not just a standard picture that everyone else was taking but a unique one. I told her that I was going to turn my back to her and when I did, I wanted her to change her pose and pretend to strangle me. (Secretly she was probably thinking that anyway)

Attacked By A "Living" Statue

She didn’t speak or move except for a sly wink of her eye to me which I took as a yes. The above photo is the result of my request.

I am opening up the Grassy Knoll Institutes feast day, April Fools Day, with this post that has all the elements of a most excellent prank. There will be ten more posts on April 1st, each a little more bizarre than the previous. I hope everyone sticks around and visits tomorrow offering your comments. (Contrary to popular belief, this blog does not live on a good tasting corned beef sandwich alone)

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Eliminate Alien Anal Probes

Eliminates Those Pesky Alien Anal Probes

From the makers of the Thought Screen Helmet suit comes a revolutionary product designed to eliminate telepathic aliens from conducting anal probes. The Grassy Knoll Institute proudly presents, The Thought Screen Helmet Anal-Eliminator. Once inserted you will feel safe and secure in the knowledge that no aliens will ever probe you again.

The A.E. (Anal-Eliminator) was designed for abductee’s on the go. No longer will you have to cower inside your home afraid of alien probes. As with all our products the A.E. is lined with velostat, that magical material that filters out any unwelcome telepathic connection between you and the aliens. The A.E. is encased handsomely in supple leather for your enjoyment and comfort. It will arrive at your door in an unmarked plain brown wrapper to protect your privacy.

Stop Alien Anal Probes Now! Order the A.E. Call 1-800-ANAL PRO. Operators are standing by now. Have your credit card ready.

But wait, if you order in the next 30 minutes you will receive as our gift to you absolutely free, (Just pay separate processing and handling) a Thought Screen Helmet for pets.

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Uptown Pizza Boardman (Youngstown)

Uptown Pizza Boardman

Uptown Pizza is right around the corner from us. It is a conveinent place to eat when time is fleeting. (Madness takes it’s toll) I called and placed my order and was told twenty minutes for pickup. Standard, no problem.
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Regular Pizza

I got there about five minutes early and bellied up to the counter to wait for my name to be called out. I love when my name gets called out for pickup. I always tell them either “Grassy Knoll” or “Second Shooter” when they ask for my name.

Anyway, as I was waiting, the phone rang and one of the employees answered. The conversation went something like, “Uptown pizza,” then a pause, then a “Yes mam, we do sell pizza.” Pause. “Yes, we are open right now.” Pause. “Yes, I’m in the store right now.” Pause. “Ok.” Click the phone down, hang-up.

A minute later, the same employee yells out “Second shooter” and looks at me knowing who I am. I pay the man and as I begin to leave, I ask him if they sell pizza here at Uptown Pizza. He burst out laughing.

I must say, the pizza is well cooked, with a firm enough crust, not hard, but a good texture. The cheese was melted and the sauce zesty enough. The cost was reasonable, at $7.00 for a 12 inch pizza.
One negative, and it’s small, but the pizza itself was greasy, just a little.

The Grassy Knoll Institute scores 3.25 out of 5 shots and recommends Uptown Pizza of Youngstown for lunch and dinner.

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Reading While Driving

Reading Her Nook While Driving

It was raining hard in Frisco. (Youngstown) On my way home from work today I spied a woman driving a pickup truck and unbelievably she was reading a Barnes And Noble Nook. Cell phone chatter is the norm these days but reading a FN book? Intrigued, I switched to the left lane and followed her a little ways in hopes of getting a photo. In less than a half mile I took my shot and snapped the above photo.

She was oblivious, holding her Nook and glancing up at the road as we drove on. A moment after I snapped the picture, I chuckled to myself of the absurdity of the event. I realized that, there I was, cell phone in hand, driving in the rain, hoping to get in position to snap this woman driving while reading a Nook.

A perfect ending would have been Harry Chapin’s Taxi playing on the radio. Alas, Aerosmith was playing.

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