Catholic Nun Mafia

I'm Funny How

Patrick: You’re funny!
Sister Tommasina Devito: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it’s me, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?
Patrick: Just… you know, how you tell the story, what?
Sister Tommasina Devito: No, no, I don’t know, you said it. How do I know? You said I’m funny. How am I funny, what is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what’s funny!

The Nun Mafia, a little known Catholic church faction rarely spoken about, was at its peak in the 1960′s, (When I attended school) and wielded almost as much power as the Pope (Godfather) himself. The Catholic nun was the absolute authority in the school. (You cross one of them, you cross all of them) A Catholic nun was always the principal (Don) of the school. The rest of them (Made Women) were teachers, tutors, hall monitors, munitions experts, and playground enforcers. More importantly, they controlled our Permanent Record.

The Nun mafia was far-reaching. Their power didn’t end at the school door exits but extended into the Catholic school child’s home life. A simple edit of our permanent record could cause catastrophic pain to your very soul, your money, and your ass. Perhaps not in that order, but almost always those three. (What is your Permanent Record? Every time a Catholic sinned, it would be recorded in your permanent record like a running tally of all the sins you committed in life. Then, when you died and went to the pearly gates to face Saint Peter, he would have all the ammunition he needed to send you to hell.)

If a child misbehaved, (Whispered in class, took to long in the bathroom, shirt not tucked all the way in, or smiled in a no smile zone) the nun acted immediately. You would be subjected to swift punishment in front of the entire class. Or what we liked to call, The Whack and Yack. The whack and yack consisted of being whacked by the nuns yard stick either across your hands or your ass several times, more intense if the sin was deemed severe. Then the child would receive a public humiliating tirade lecture on why Jesus is not happy with you  and  he is crying for the hideous sin you just committed. That was standard operating procedure for the nuns.

Now that your ass hurt and your soul ached, the third phase, the money phase, would be implemented. It was time to make the child feel remorse for the sin and want to atone for the damages to his soul. Or what we liked to call, (Extortion!) After said beating, the child would not be going outside for recess with the other children, but instead would have to stay behind for a private conference.

These conferences went something like this.
Nun: Patrick, you now know what you did earlier was a sin and that you had to be punished.
Patrick: Yes sister, I know.
Nun: Are you sorry for what you did?
Patrick: Yes sister, I am. (Sort of like, Thank you sir may I have another)
Nun: And how disruptive it was to the class and to the entire school?
Patrick: Yes sister, I know.
Nun: Will you ever commit that sin again?
Patrick: I hope not to sister. (Hold please, this is where they get you. Of course you are going to commit that exact same sin again, if you can call it a sin anyway, but they made you answer)
Nun: Perhaps after you go to confession this Saturday, you can add some extra money to your mass donation.
Patrick: Yes sister, I will. (A bold face lie!)
Nun: And in your student church envelope, maybe you can sacrifice a little more and add some extra money as well. Jesus needs it more than you do. It wasn’t enough that our parents gave a weekly church envelope, (Pay off) but the student had one as well. With our names emblazoned on the front.
Patrick: Yes sister, I will try. (Not in a million years you old fuck!)
Nun: OK, recess is almost over. You have just enough time to erase and wash the chalkboard before the next class.
Patrick: Yes sister. (Quietly imagining duct tape over her mouth, her hands tied, and me kicking her into a well so deep that not even Lassie could save her)

Soul, money, and ass. One, two, three. Absolution. That is how the Catholic Nun Mafia rolled in the 1960′s.

I wondered where that extra money the other students gave in their envelopes when they were subjected to the whack and yack. (I say other students because I never put an extra red cent in my envelope.) Every beginning school year, we would have to pledge (Payoff) an amount of money to give in our church envelopes. Did the sisters remove (Skim) the excess to further fund their organization? One can never be certain. However, they never seemed to lack or want for any tools or equipment needed.

The Catholic Nun Mafia affected more than just the students. It also affected the Parrish priests. And more importantly, the confessional. Everyone knew the Catholic priests were just as afraid of the nuns as the students were. (The Nuns knew everything that was going on in the school and church. Nothing ever got by them.) To avoid confrontation, and keep their secrets, we had it on good authority that they would inform the nuns of the juiciest sins the students committed so they (The Nuns) would have more leverage and play more psychological mind games. That’s why I always disguised my voice in the confessional, so the priest wouldn’t recognize me.

The other day I received a small package at my house. In the package was a chalk board eraser. Smeared in blood. With a note attached saying, “You can easily be erased!”

Amen!

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NFL Wild Card Weekend January 2010

Jared Allen In 25 Years

Ever wonder what Jared Allen, resident Minnesota Viking “Mullet Wearin” all pro defensive end will look like in 25 years? Now you know!

Today, Chad Johnson changed his name yet again. If you remember, last week Chad claimed that if he were shut down by Jet corner Revis, he would change his name back to Johnson. Last week, he had zero catches. In our book, that meant shut down. Today, in the rematch, he caught only two passes for under 30 yards. He promptly changed his name to Chad Owned.

The Jets move on to the next round even though coach Rex Ryan claims they have no chance in the playoffs.

Moving on, the Saturday NFC Wild Card game had another rematch. The Eagles traveled to Texas to take on the Cowboys hoping for a better outcome. Last week they got their asses kicked losing 37-0 and the game wasn’t that close.

Here’s the scoop. The Cowboys haven’t won a playoff game since 1996 while the Eagles never lost a first round playoff game under the guidance of Donavan McNabb. Both those statements are now untrue. Cowboys dominated the Eagles and will travel to Minnesota for the Divisional round playoffs.

Sunday brought even more surprises. The New England Patriots were ready to quote Edgar Allen Poe, but the Ravens had a little something else in mind. On the first play from scrimmage, the game was over as the Ravens running back Rice took it to the house and a 7-0 advantage. They would not look back. All Brady could muster up at the end of the game was, “It was the beating of Ray’s hideous heart!” Quote the Pats nevermore.

To finsih the Wild Card weekend, there was a shootout in the desert between the Packers and the Cardinals who failed to bring along their defensive units. Both Rodgers and Warner combined for over 800 yards of passing and nine touchdowns. How fitting the final Wild Card game wound up in overtime and the Cardinals winning on a fluke play to win. 96 points scored, 96 tear drops for one team, to be crying.

Next week Baltimore travels to Indy, and maybe the head coach will allow Peyton to play this week. Perhaps he will want to hold him out to the super bowl to avoid injury. The Jets fly to San Diego to take on the angry Phil Rivers, who is pissed as the forgotten one. The jets are just happy to be there. And they happen to have the best defense in the league.

The Cardinals, coming off a 51 point effort go to the Big Easy looking for some gumbo. The Saints are rested, relaxed, and ready. Warner or Brees, both great quarterbacks, may put up another 90 point offensive explosion. Meanwhile, the Vikings, led by the 40 year old Favre, are healing and preparing for a Cowboys visit. The Cowboys coming off their first playoff victory in 14 years, are confident. Jared Allen, all pro defensive end, may have something to say about that confidence.

Until next week, two teams were crying…,

Too many teardrops for one team to be cryin’
Too many teardrops for one team to carry on
You’re way on top now
Since you sacked me
You’re always laughin’
Way down at me
But watch out now
I’m gonna get there
We’ll be together
For just a little while
And then I’m gonna put you
Way down here
And you’ll start cryin’
Ninety-six tears

SKOL VIKINGS!

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Bob Evans Bacon Cheeseburger Takeout

Bob Evans - Take Out

Bob Evans restaurant located in Youngstown, Ohio, is our next stop on the Blue Plate Special tour. However, this time, we ordered to go to test their take out service. I placed the call, ordered a bacon cheeseburger with french fries and the waitress said my order would be ready in about 20 minutes.

I arrived at Bob Evans in twenty minutes and went to the take out counter. A waitress asked if she could help me. I told her, “Pick up for the Grassy Knoll Institute!” She smiled and went into the back. She walked out with my order and packed it up in a plastic bag. She told me to pay at the check out.

As you can see, they did not skimp on the bacon. Two thick strips were on top and when I broke both pieces in half, they covered the burger completely. The cheese was plentiful, fully melted and hot. The bun was fresh, hot, and toasted just right. The one third pound burger patty was well cooked, juicy, and hot. The fries were golden brown, crunchy, not soggy, and hot. The container, a standard styrofoam container held up for well.

The burger was very good tasting. You could really taste the crisp thick bacon unlike other burgers where the bacon is undercooked and as thin as paper. The fries were very tasty as well.

Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about the cost which at $8 dollars was a fair price. All in all, the take out experience was worked well.

The Grassy Knoll Institute scores 3.75 out of 5 shots and recommends Bob Evans Cheeseburger take out for dinner.

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Like Pulling Teeth

I hate going to the dentist, but some times it is quite necessary. Like the time awhile back that my wisdom teeth were breaking through and i needed them removed. I made the appointment and went in for an exam to determine how the dentist was going to proceed. Dr. Frank, my dentist, after looking at my X-Ray reassured me that the procedure would be fairly simple. He prescribed some antibiotics to relieve the swelling and told me to come back on Saturday morning. So far so good.

Well, Saturday came and off I went. Actually my wife Patty drove me because Dr. Frank said I wouldn’t be able to drive home that day. I walked in and the dental assistant came out and took me back to the office room almost immediately. Very good service.

Dr. Frank came in and told me that he was going to give me novacaine to deaden the pain and also laughing gas. He said he didn’t want to put me under so I could communicate with him during the procedure if I felt to much pressure. He said that would lesson the swelling and pain during the recovery period. He injected the novacaine and said he would be back in a few minutes to allow the medicine to kick in. So far so good.

Dr. Frank returned, and began. The big bright light was turned on and he bent over and told me to open my mouth. He tested a few teeth asking me if it hurt. When I said it didn’t, he proceeded. I felt some scraping and a little pressure and in about a minute, he showed me the first wisdom tooth extracted from my mouth. I thought this was going to be easy. A minute or so later, the second tooth was out. Halfway done in about five minutes. And then….

Dr. Frank then told me the first too teeth were the easy ones. The next two, however, were impacted. One on the top was coming in sideways and the one on the bottom was leaning forward. He said these two would be more difficult as he would have to do some cutting.

The next thing I heard was a loud “SNAP” inside my mouth. I could feel it shooting through my ears. I knew that was going to hurt later. Dr. Frank was breaking the tooth in pieces and extracting it piece by piece. He would cut a little and then “SNAP” and another piece would come out. He asked how I was doing and I gave him the thumbs up sign.

A half hour later and about twenty “SNAPS” Dr. Frank was stitching up my mouth and inserting gauze to stop the bleeding. He announced that I was done and for me to just lay back and rest and he would be back in a few minutes.

This wasn’t so bad. I could feel pressure but no pain. Dr. Frank returned with his assistant and they helped me get up and I walked to a chair. I was a little woozy, but not bad. I heard him giving Patty and me instructions, plenty of rest, a painkiller prescription, no solid food, maybe some Jello or chicken soup, do not use a straw, no rinsing when brushing my teeth, just sort of let the water fall out. Standard procedure for recovery.

I made it the car and we went home. I made it upstairs and was very tired. Patty went to the drug store for my prescription while I laid down in bed. When she returned, she asked how I was feeling. I responded that I was feeling pretty good all things considered. She asked if I was hungry for the prescription said I should have something in my stomach before taking it. I said sure.

Patty made me some chicken soup. Not to hot, not to cold. Just perfect. I made my way to the kitchen table, sat down, took my spoon in my hand, smiled at Patty, and then passed out. My face fell right into the bowl of soup. Patty came rushing over and picked up my face asking if I was OK. I nodded yes, and Patty let go of my head. A second later, my face was back in the soup bowl. I was out cold.

Patty again picked my head out of th soup but this time I just hunched over and fell to the floor. Patty freaked out asking me if I was OK. I was totally incoherent. She said I was talking jibberish and couldn’t get off the floor. She dragged me into the living room onto the carpet and got me a pillow for my head. She then called the doctor. Dr. Frank said this was normal, a reaction to the laughing gas and if she could get me in bed to rest.

Patty then got me a blanket, covered me, and sat with me for an hour watching me to make sure I was OK. In an hour, I was coherent enough to help her get me in bed. I slept the rest of the day and woke up Sunday afternoon. I was starving. This time, the chicken soup was pretty good.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL