Viking Man – Training Camp 2009

Sung to the tune Rocket Man by Elton John

Wilf packed his bags last night pre-flight,
Zero hour 9 am.
But I’m gonna be gone…… from this town by then.
I miss the Vikes so much, I miss the fans,
It’s lonely out in camp,
On such a timeless plight.

And I think it’s gonna be a long long time,
Till football comes around again to find.
I’m not the fan they think I am at home,
Oh no no no, I’m a Viking fan.
Viking fan, screaming out my head up here alone.

LA ain’t the kind of place to watch the game,
In fact it’s dumb as hell.
And there’s no fans there to cheer them if they left.
And all this bullshit, I don’t understand
I’m just a fan seven days a week
A Viking fan, a Viking fan
And I think it’s gonna be a long long time…

The Brett Favre Minnesota Vikings open training camp today at 9am signaling the end of the Brett Favre circus as he waffles from interview to interview spewing chunks about his arm, his ankles, and wondering if he’s mentally tough enough to endure a 16 game season. Hey Brett. Two things here buddy. One, the Vikings didn’t want to sign you for 16 games. Tarvaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels can do that. They wanted to sign you for the post season games. And two, if you are already questioning your manhood before training camp even begins, let alone the season, then no, you are not ready to come back.
Asshat! And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

Now, about Randy Moss and Daunte Culpepper. (Kidding, just kidding!)

As usual, the Vikings #1 draft pick, receiver Percy Harvin is not signed as of this writing. Perhaps he fell ill on his way to sign his contract. Seriously, the kid hasn’t played a down yet but already has been absent from two organized events due to a sudden illness. Take a fucking aspirin and suit up already. You have the tools. You have the talent.

This year coach Childress promised to have a spirited competition at quarterback. Only problem is, both candidates are losers. Yes Viking fans. Losers! Jackson had his chance and categorically ruined his “Starter Status!” The wise old Sage has been riding the pine his entire 8 year career. Jay and Grant from Ghost Hunters have more spirit than these two guys. Hey, here’s a thought. Why not let Booty have a valid opportunity in training camp to make a name for himself.

I blame Childress for not pursuing a better option at quarterback than Sage. Perhaps Childress thought Lord Favre would come down from the mount and suit up in purple just because he once had a conversation with OC Bevel and that Childress once saw him throw one perfect pass while working out at a high school somewhere in Bumblefuck, Mississippi.

Speaking of Bumblefuck, just a little down the road from there the Williams wall of Pat and Kevin reside. The Starcaps debacle is still looming from last year. Damn! Godell allows Mike Vick back in the NFL but enforces a 4 game suspension on two guys that took supplements to lose weight.

On a sad note, Kenechi Udeze ended his come back attempt. I was rooting for him to make a successful return. His cancer is still in remission which is a god thing. Viking Thunder wishes Udeze all the best in his future endeavors.

On a side note, to Mr. Percy Harvin. The Vikings took a tremendous risk in drafting you. You do remember coming to the combine and testing positive for drugs don’t you? You are already in the NFL drug program. It would behoove you to sign and get on the field and commit to the team the same as the team has committed to you.

SKOL VIKINGS!

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French Fry Economy Indicator

2006 French Fries

2007 Fries

2008 Fries

2009 Fries

The U.S. government relies to heavily on Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve for indicators on how the economy is growing or shrinking. The Grassy Knoll Institute introduces the Fry Meter Benchmark, a much simpler format to measure the health of the nations economy. The Fry Meter utilizes the large order of fries at the Times Square restaurant located at Geneva On The Lake, Ohio. The size of the portion so goes the size of the economy.

Please take notice of the photo titled 2006 Fries. The tray is piled high with thick crispy french fries signaling the economy is stable and robust.

Photo titled 2007 Fries still shows a large portion, but not piled as high forecasting a slight down turn in the economy.

Photo titled Fries 2008 is clearly a smaller portion than previous years indicating that the economy is on the verge of a recession.

Finally, the photo titled 2009 Fries is a mere shell of the previous fry orders suggesting the economy is in the clutches of a long recessionary period.

The government doesn’t need to spend millions of dollars to analyze data and forecasts of the upcoming soybean crop. Instead, they need to get down to Geneva and order up the large french fry and maybe a cheeseburger as well. It’ll do the economy good.

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Michael Jackson Fabricated His Death

Watergate had “Deep throat,” (An inside informer that blew the lid off president Nixon’s wire tapping operations of the Democratic presidential hopefuls.) The Grassy Knoll Institute has “Moonwalker.” (Not to be confused with Moon Doogie from the 1960′s Gidget fame) Moonwalker has turned over evidence and information to support the conspiracy theory that Michael Jackson is alive and that he faked his own death.

Michael Jackson, the self ordained King Of Pop, passed away June 25th, 2009 from an apparent drug overdose at his rented Hollywood home. He leaves three adopted children behind, an estate worth hundreds of millions of dollars, executors of the will that are not family, and a massive conspiracy surrounding his death. The official coroner’s report stated Jackson’s cause of death as “Deferred.” (Basically the coroner does not know exactly what killed Mr. Jackson and will need more time, up to three more months to make a final determination) The Grassy Knoll Institute offers an alternative scenario. Michael Jackson Faked His Own Death:

But we have to get into our Time Travel Machine to understand what has actually transpired before our very eyes. While still married to Lisa Marie Presley, (Daughter of the late great king of rock and roll Elvis Presley) Jackson confided to her that he knew he would meet the same fate as her father, to die a recluse by an overdose of painkillers. See the pattern here readers? Presley’s posse were enablers and looked the other way as long as they were getting paid plus Cadillac’s and gifts. The same can be said about Michael Jackson and his entourage.

At that point, Jackson set in motion his well orchestrated plan and set off a chain of events that brought us to today. A conspiracy surrounding his death with plenty of characters as suspects. Throw in an enraged ex-wife and you have a circus better than any ever hosted at Neverland ranch.

The question before us all is why would Jackson stage his own death? What benefit could become of it? And how would he be able to pull it off being in the spotlight of the media for so long. He is one of the most recognizable personality in the world.

The first question, (Why) is simplistic. Jackson had legal woes a mile high. Not just from the alleged pedophile suits that he was acquitted from, (And reports that he paid hundreds of millions of dollars to settle out of court) but from payouts to attorneys for services rendered, failed business ventures, a league of doctors on his payroll, medical expenses in the millions, a contingent of attorneys at his beckoned call, the loss of Neverland, and his career going into the tank. Jackson fell from his throne and was no longer the king of pop having not released an album since 2001. Jackson was running out of money. He needed to stop the leeches from sucking any more money from his bones.

The next question, (How) Jackson faked his death would need a bit of magic, sleight of hand, misdirection, and several loyal friends.

To begin, several years ago, Michael Jackson began a transformation of his body and face. (This is the real reason he wore the mask and hat, to shield his new face, skin, and hair features) When Jackson was ready, he could emerge from under his mask unrecognizable and begin a new identity free from the lawsuits and money crisis that plagued him. Does anyone believe for an instant that a billionaire, yes, a billionaire like Jackson, who could afford the best Hollywood plastic surgeons, would have such substandard work done on him.

The second part, convincing the public that he was dead would be the hard part. When news surfaced that Jackson was taken to the hospital via ambulance and that he was dead, the media frenzy swarmed on the scene like sharks to fresh blood. Jackson knew this would happen and used the media to his advantage. Immediately, conflicting news was reported that Jackson died from a drug overdose, that he was murdered, that he committed suicide, that he had a heart attack, that his personal doctor was present and performed CPR, that the EMT pronounced him dead at the scene, that the ER doctor pronounced him dead at the hospital, and more. After more than a month after Jacksons death, news reports are still conflicting. Exactly what Jackson wanted.

But wait. There was a body at the hospital, and a body was buried in a casket. Who was in the ER room and buried in the casket? From reports of the EMT and the ER doctors and nurses, Jackson was unrecognizable. Several were interviewed afterward and they claimed that they did not know it was Michael Jackson they were working on.

The reason for the confusion is that it wasn’t Jackson but a stand in double. Yes, that is right. A stand in. Jackson contracted a terminally ill man that had the same features and characteristics as Jackson. For services rendered, the mans family would receive $25 million dollars. The payments would come via wire transfer semi annually from an off shore bank directly to the family’s bank account. A note attached stating that the man had come into some money and wanted to share it with his family.

The next step, Jackson had plastic surgery performed on his double. His features were altered to resemble Jackson and with the mask and wig he was a carbon copy of Jackson. Jackson used an assortment of aliases to procure drugs and perhaps medical procedures such plastic surgery and skin peels. With some many bogus names being used, it would be impossible to trace what surgery was done on Jackson and done on the double.

All Jackson had to do now was wait for the double to die of natural causes and implement the plan. Jacksons own personal doctor and his entourage was at the house at the time of death to see to the details. The plan went perfectly. The media circus provided the sleight of hand and deception as news announced Michael Jackson was dead. The body was taken to an undisclosed mortuary and relocated to several other secret places over the following weeks. This was to ensure that no tampering or more testing could occur to expose the conspiracy.

Only one thing was left to do. Leak the story that Jackson was not the biological father of his children with Debbie Rowe. This would prevent DNA testing on the corpse that would have exposed the conspiracy.

Michael Jackson fled the country several years ago after his most public pedophile court case. He is still oversees. Free from prosecution, persecution, and restitution. In several years, Jackson will emerge with Elvis and perform a duet in Las Vegas, Jackson doing his patented moonwalk and Elvis doing his pelvis shake. It will be the most watched television program of all time.

Cause this is thriller, thriller night.
Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try.
Thriller, thriller night.
So let me hold you tight and share a
Killer, diller, chiller, thriller here tonight.

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John Kennedy Junior Moonwalking

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President Kennedy has two visitors in his office in the white House. John Jr. performs a dance for his father.

Number 65 in a series of 77 John F. Kennedy cards.

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