50 Psychic Predictions For 2009

As in previous years, the Grassy Knoll Institute has dusted off our psychic abilities and boldly peered into our psychic crystal ball of the future to reveal 50 shocking predictions for the 2009 year. What you are about to read may be shocking, profane, funny, and probably down right false. Then again, I was correct on many of my 50 predictions from last year. A far better average than those wannabee so-called psychics claiming to be clairvoyant hustling you out of your money. Let’s see how good I do for 2009.

50 Bold Predictions For 2009

1) Charles Manson, mass murderer, dies in jail.

2) Brett Favre will fake retirement yet again, but come back to play just one more year. So far, Brett stated once again that he has retired for good this time. The second part will come true shortly.

3) The Boston Celtics repeat as NBA champions. Boing!Celtics did not repeat.

4) Dick Clark, legendary teenager from American Bandstand and icon for the New Years Day celebration on Times Square, dies.

5) Lindsay Lohan breaks up with DJ Sam Ronson. As Kathy Griffin put it to Anderson Cooper on New year’s eve, she likes Dick. BINGO! TMZ REPORTS TODAY THAT LINDSAY AND SAM ARE SPLITSVILLE. 01/05/2009

6) Pam Anderson will be  attacked by an anti PETA group and will have cows blood and raw hamburger meat splashed all over her body. She’ll ask for it to be cooked medium rare.

7) Scarlett Johansson, in an attempt to create a buzz for her slumping celebrity, exposes her boobs on a national televised awards show. Justin Timberlake is somehow involved.

8 ) Massive oil reserves will be discovered off the coast of Alaska.

9) President Barack Obama will survive an assassination attempt.

10) The youngest Jonas brother (Nick) admits to having sexual relations. You can toss those purity rings out now.

11) Jerry Seinfeld makes a comeback and locks in a sitcom variety show on NBC. BINGO!!! Jerry Seinfeld is creating and executive producing a reality show tentatively titled The Marriage Ref for NBC, the network has announced.

12) Hillary Clinton, not Bill, gets caught cheating. And she will be wearing a blue dress. How ironic.

13) Country music phenom Taylor Swift winds up pregnant. And no, not by any of the Jonas brothers.

14) Miley Cyrus, the Hanna Montana star, is involved in a scandal concerning child porn and underage sexual relations.

15) A major cast member from the hit television series LOST will be arrested for DUI.

16) A new Stealth jet fighter will be revealed during military maneuvers.It will have light refracting abilities making it invisible to the naked eye.

17) A Youtube Satanic cult will be found. A series of innocent Youtube video’s when strung together, spell out Satan is Lord and master.

18 ) The MLB New York Yankees return to glory and win the World Series.

19) The New York Giants and the Indianapolis Colts make the super bowl pitting brothers Peyton and Eli against each other. It will be the highest rated super bowl ever. BOING! MISSED THIS ONE. THE COLTS GOT SMACKED BY THE BOLTS IN THE WILDCARD. 01/04/2009

20) The Indianapolis Colts win the super bowl. BOING! MISSED THIS ONE. SEE ABOVE PREDICTION. 01/04/2009

21) An F5 category tornado rips through the Midwest leveling a town left in its wake.

22) The Panama Canal comes under attack and is closed to all traffic.

23) A secret warning in the bibles Old Testament will be deciphered. The message does not bode well for the human race.

24) Bill Cowher, former Pittsburgh Steeler head coach, will reject multiple offers from NFL teams hoping to lure him back to the sidelines.BINGO!!! More than half a dozen teams attempted to lure Cowher back to the sidelines. So far, he has said no.

25) Terrell Owens, disenchanted with the Cowboys, causes yet another commotion and gets released opening his door to the Patriots.BINGO! COWBOYS RELEASE OWENS TODAY. 03/05/2009

26) Britney Spears has yet another meltdown. She will be involved in a lesbian affair.

27) The NFL Buffalo Bills, claiming lack of fan support, make plans to move to Canada.

28 ) Oil prices will continue to plummet and gasoline prices dip below one dollar per gallon.

29) Christina Aguilera is with child once again. Can her boobs get any bigger than they already are?

30) Paula Abdul gets fired from American Idol after acting erratically during the live broadcasts. Simon couldn’t be happier. Ratings go through the roof.

31) A major ocean liner will be lost in the Bermuda triangle rekindling the wild rumors and legends of the fabled Devil’s Triangle.

32) Ameila Earhart’s remains will be found. A note written by Earhart will reveal what really happened to her finally putting to rest her mysterious disappearance.

33) Holly Madison, Playboy’s Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend, gets pregnant. Don’t worry, Hef is not the father. Cris Angel, street magician is.

34) A child will be born with a DNA sequence not known of this earth. No, he won’t have a big red “S” on his chest.

35) A set of repeating signals not man made will come from outside the solar system will be discovered. The signals will be a mathematical sequence.

36) The rock band, The Monkee’s will get back together for a reunion tour. Mike Nesbitt will wear the stupid hat.

37) Ted Kennedy dies.

38 ) Mariah Carey gets divorced. Or has another nervous breakdown. You pick.

39) Jessica Simpson and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo break up.

40) Elton John records a new album. Clay Aiken sings a duet with Elton.

41) Paris Hilton gets a little to much exposure in 2009. she is filmed nude on the beach and the film makes the rounds on the Internet.

42) Justin Timberlake accepts a deal from Saturday Night Live to host the show a half a dozen times for the 2009-10 season. Steve Martin gets pissed.

43) Justin Timberlake and Jessica Beil break up. Apparently she was tired of getting the same dick in the box present for birthdays and Christmas.

44) The Natalee Holloway murder case will be solved.

45) Tom Cruise finally gets the ride on the spaceship he has been waiting for.

46) Spencer and Heidi get married. For real this time. No one cares. BINGO! Spencer and Heidi announce their wedding date for this Saturday, April 25th. Not even Heidi’e best friend and co-star Lauren Conrad are going to the event.

47) Ozzy Osbourne wins a national debate. No one could refute what he said because no one knew what the hell he said.

48 ) Gene Simmons gets married to long time lover Shannon Tweed.

49) Boxer Mike Tyson makes a comeback. He eats three contenders before the Las Vegas boxing commission halts the comeback.

50) Paul McCartney, a former Beatle, admits that the Beatles pulled an elaborate hoax on the public with clues on their albums suggesting that Paul was killed and the surviving band members hired a look a like to carry on.

There you have it folks. 50 shocking psychic predictions for 2009 from the Grassy Knoll Institute. Check back to see my updates throughout the year as my predictions come to fruition. Or heavens forbid, turn out to be wrong.

Happy New year!

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