Grassy Knoll Institute

Home Of The 99 Cent Conspiracy Theory




  • Kennedy Assassination, Flu Shot Virus, Big Foot, Lochness Monster, Beatles Hoax, Michael Jackson, Princess Diana, Moon landing, and many more.

    Conspiracy Archives




  • We visit all the "Greasy Spoon" restaurants around the country rating each experience. Featuring Las Vegas, Chicago, San Francisco, Gatlinburg, Houston, New York, Youngstown.

    Blue Plate Special




  • Sexy Giant Aliens are roaming the Earth plotting to enslave humanity. View photographic proof Giant Aliens have already infiltrated the population.

    Giant Alien Invasion




  • We pay homage to the sexy actresses and their cleavage who starred in science fiction movies and television series.

    Sci-Fi Sexy Sirens




  • The Thought Screen Helmet is the only defense against alien abduction. It disrupts the telepathic link between wearer and alien to eliminate contact.

    Thought Screen Helmet




  • The LOTGK logo can be found all over the world. Even on a sexy girls ass.

    Find The Logo




  • Humorous personal life stories of the past, present, and future from a 50 plus year old who has seen everything. Almost!

    Inner Sanctum




  • Random tidbits of worthy news and photographs that don’t quite fit into any of the Grassy Knoll Institutes categories.

    Random Shots




  • Sometimes a picture is worth a thousands words. If they were only worth money!

    Postcards Edge




  • Rantings of a mad die hard Viking fan. No purple colored glasses for this fan.

    Viking thunder Rant




  • Classic vinyl record albums rescued from my basement. See what you have been missing.

    Classic Vinyl Records




  • Once a thriving vacation resort and young adult get-a-way spot, has succumbed to erosion. From the once beautiful beach to the town and businesses that dot the once vibrant strip.

    Geneva On The Lake




  • Brutal clips of faces of death, reckless driving, experiments documented, grass growing, public hangings, live executions, and clips of UFO’s flying above.

    Video Vault




  • Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 65 other followers




  • Grassy Knoll Institute. Home of the 99 cent conspiracy theory. We keep overhead and expenses low to provide more affordable and better tasting conspiracy theories for our readers. Hurry, supplies are limited at these prices. And quit calling me Shirley.



  • humorblogs.org
    humorblogs.org
  • Random Hits

    • 4,256,789 Satisfied Surfers Since 10/06/2007
  • Current Hot Stories

  • Blogs I Follow

    1. Sladewilson: The War Journal Vol. 2
    2. SwittersB & Fly Fishing
    3. Bucket List Publications
    4. Serendopeity
    5. WordPress.com
    6. Elecpencil
    7. Doooh Head
    8. ben
    9. serenawelsh.wordpress.com
    10. Ahrcanum
    11. Grassy Knoll Institute
  • Community

  • Time Travel

My First Holy Communion

Posted by LOTGK on July 14, 2008

I had just endured and survived my first holy Confession on Saturday: (Walk in single line into church on Saturday, sit in pews, wait for red light to go out, watch kid with freshly cleansed soul walk out, walk in confessional box, sit down, wait for priest, tell your sins, lie about a few of them, wait for absolution, get lecture, get absolution, finally, get penance, leave confessional, kneel in pews, say penance, leave church.) leaving me with a clean slate on my soul but not on My Permanent Record. Dare I say I was ready for the next phase of my catholic faith, my first holy communion.

Damn, (Say two Our Fathers and two Hail Mary’s) I thought I was ready, but I found out there was actually a class for holy communion. And I had to study and there would be tests. Jesus Christ! (Say another 5 Our fathers and Five Hail Mary’s for taking the Lord’s name in vain) Seriously, how hard could it be. I have been dragged to church for several years and I did watch what the adults did when it was time for holy communion.

Stand up when it was your row’s turn, fold your hands in prayer, get in line, walk up to the priest at the altar, open your mouth, stick your tongue out at the priest, (That was the great part) exchange some secret words, take the host on your tongue, close your mouth, say Amen, turn and walk back in line to your pew, kneel, and say a prayer. I had this down, I didn’t need to take any stinking tests or read any books on first communion. I was ready dammit. (Close profanity word, just in case, say three Our Fathers and a sincere Act of Contrition)

Alas, the Nuns had other plans for us. For weeks, we practiced the above ritual. Getting in line, (Like we never had to get in line at school before, lines were our goddamn lives, (Yes, more Hail Mary’s) we knew how to get in a line) walking up to the altar, simulating taking the host, and returning to our pews. We practiced day in and day out, took test after written test until we were ready. We even learned new church songs for this festive occasion. Let There Be Peace On Earth is the only song I can remember. Even back then, in second grade, the Nuns told me to sing the hymns very quietly so as to not take the rest of the class out of tune. (Fucking bitch nuns!) (Ten Hail Mary’s, Ten Our Fathers)

That Sunday morning, I prepared for church, and being that it was my first communion, I wasn’t allowed to eat anything an hour before church. Damn, (Two Hail Mary’s, Two Our Fathers) I was screwed. I didn’t have time to get dressed and eat breakfast. I went hungry. Instead of eating, I had to put on my new shoes, new dark blue navy pants, white shirt, and clip on blur navy tie. Even for church, I had to wear a goddamn uniform. (Just keep saying the Rosary for penance)

When we arrived at church, the nuns herded all the first communion kids into the back hall of the church. We were ready to demonstrate that after two months of practice, we could walk down the aisle in a single file line. (Very impressive. But you are not a Jedi Knight yet!)

A few minutes before the show got on the road, the nuns opened a small canister that contained the thin white wafer hosts. The nuns said these were un-blessed and were to be used as practice hosts. WTF! (A solid Act of Contrition please) Apparently, as the story went from the nuns, several years back, a first holy communion kid almost choked to death when he received his host from the priest because it stuck to the roof of his mouth and he panicked causing him to spit the body of Christ out of his mouth. Luckily, the altar boy caught the host with his paten (Plate) before the blessed host hit the ground.

Anyway, the nuns said we were to practice with these ones before we went live. Of course mine got caught on the roof of my mouth. I didn’t spit it out though. I used my tongue to slowly move it and un-stick it from the roof of my mouth. (All you Catholics know exactly what I mean.)

A minute later, the main event was on. All of us slowly began our march up the church aisle hands folded in (Steeple prayer mode) and promptly took our place at the front of the church.

Thirty minutes later, it was our time. Ready to accept the body and blood of Christ for the first time. As I approached the altar and kneeled I made sure I didn’t stumble or fall off the kneeler as I stayed perfectly still. The priest made his way down the altar like an assembly line worker. I could hear him saying over and over again, “The body of Christ,” as if he were asking us a question not making a statement.

About two kids away, I thought about the body and blood of Christ and a moment of terror filled my mind. I forgot all about the “Blood” part. The bible story about Jesus changing water into wine popped into my head and I wondered if the practice water based host I had earlier would taste the same as the blood version. I was about to find out.

My turn was here. The priest approached me, whispered, “The body of Christ” and I correctly answered “Amen,” opened my mouth, stuck out my tongue and received the host. I got up, returned to my pew, kneeled and said said my communion prayer.

I was now a full fledged Catholic. A member of the gang. I was wondering if I got to vote now on church hymns and Gospel passages. (I wasn’t) Instead, I was treated to a first communion breakfast and afterward, I had a small family party, sort of like my birthday.

The next week, when communion time came, I strolled up with the rest of the adults, kneeled down and waited for the priest to come my way. Being the old pro I performed the ritual without a glitch. However, I was stuck at the kneeler. My right knee had slipped between the dividers and I was stuck. Damn! (Three Hail Mary’s and three Our Fathers)

Using the railing I pushed with all my might and in doing so lost my balance and although I didn’t hit the ground I looked like I was drunk doing the humpty dance trying to regain my balance. I got several snickers from the congregation and a death stare from my mother. Several nuns on the side also gave me the evil eye. Even out of school I was getting in trouble with the god damn nuns. (Five Hail Marys)

Next Sunday would be better. I swear!

Back To Growing Up Catholic Archives

Back To Catholic Nun Archives

LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL

62 Responses to “My First Holy Communion”

  1. Bitzky said

    Oh I had to go through the very same ordeal! Except we never had a practice host. What a great idea! :D

  2. aintgotno said

    did mine so many yrs ago … and then lapsed

  3. Anti-christ said

    That was me holding you down. I almost won that battle.

  4. A “practice” host… priceless!

    And, there was definitely a “bread” song for first communion (but alas, I cannot remember the hymn).

  5. LOTGK said

    Yea, it was something about breaking bread, I cannot remember. I only remember, let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me. With every breath I take, let this be the moment now…..
    Blah blah blah

  6. Jeannie20 said

    That was a funny story. I am glad you didn’t choke on the body of Christ.

  7. Gumby said

    I knew something was up when you had to wait an hour before you could go to communion and my mother always made me wait an hour after I ate before I could go back in the swimming pool.

  8. tina said

    hi,i am 16 and made my first holy communion last may.i was 15 then.our parrish is very strict and hasrequirements the parents must follow.the girls have to wear a communion dress ,veil,gloves,tights ,cloth diaper,plastic pants,tee shirt and shoes.so at 15 i made my first holy communion with baby underwear on under my dress.it was weird!

  9. LOTGK said

    Tina, You need to run away from the Arizona commune.

  10. tina said

    tina here,in many parrishes the first communion dress is considered an extension of the baptism outfit the girls wore when they were baptized.our parrish requires the diapers and plastic pants at others it is a tradition for the girls.it is also a family tradition in some families.the diaper,plastic pants and tights are passed from one girl to the next and worn under the communion dress

  11. tina said

    tina here,there were a set of twin girls,age 16,who were just baptized as infants at our parrish last sunday.they were dressed in white infant style gowns,bonnets ,booties,tights and had a diaper and plastic pants on under their tights.they each had a pacifier in their mouths and were picked up and held like babies to get the water on their heads.they looked very cute and babyish

  12. Pam And Pan said

    WTF Tina? What church does this? Is this still done in America?

  13. tina said

    pam and pan,these are catholic churches and yes this is still done in america.in many of the older more traditional parrishes the girls wear the traditional white infant type baptism out fits for eastervigil baptisms.group and private baptisms.in many parrishes the girls wear the cloth diaper and plastic pants under their white tights for first communion to symbolize their purity of when they were baptized.it is a requirement at our parrish for all the girls to wear the diaper and plastic pants so i had to wear them last year at 15.my diaper was made from baby diapers and pinned on me with diaper pins and i wore white adult size plastic pants over it.

  14. tina said

    pam and pan,i take it you are not catholic and have not heard of or are familiar first holy communion or baptism .even tho i thought it was weird wearing a diaper and plastic pants under my tights and wasnt thrilled about it,i have to admit they did make me feel pure and innocent like a baby.many of the girls in my class told me me they felt more pure with the diaper and plastic pants on.

  15. Nic said

    Tina, you are not for real. I have found your similar style posts on Wikianswers, Yahoo Answers, a Chicago Forum, and several other places. The typing style and language is WAY too similar not to be the same person. Your age is a lie, your story is a lie, and I dare say your sex is also a lie.

    For the record, I am a Reverend and have my MA in religious studies. I know the teachings of other religions and denominations. The Catholic Church does not require teenage girls to wear diapers, and you trying to start a rumor that they do is morally repugnant.

    Get your hormones back in check and leave these people out of your diaper fetishest fantasies!

  16. Rachel said

    What an interesting string. Yes, I came across a similar post on a moms site in Chicago and I was a little incredulous. The person who posted it claimed to be the mother of a girl who recently had her first communion. I asked what parish it was but haven’t heard back yet. I was born and raised Catholic and am reasonably familiar with the traditions, and I’d never heard of such a thing. I do suspect it is the same person-much of the wording is identical, as is the mention of “family traditions”, and even the misspelling “parrish”. I do suspect it’s all a single person with a strange fantasy he/she is trying to act out.

  17. LOTGK said

    I agree Rachel. I am also Catholic, survived 8 years at Catholic school in the 1960′s. I never heard of these so-called traditions. It must have been a full moon out when she posted her comments.

  18. Rachel said

    OK-judge for yourselves:

    From momslikeme.com, a person calling herself “wondermom” wrote:
    “i am the mom of two teens,amanda 15 and aaron 13.they made their first communions last may at our parrish[they were 14 and 12 at the time].after 2moves,illness and family problems it fiannaly happened.our parrish has traditions for first communion that parents are expected to follow and if they dont they are snubbed.even tho i didnt agree with them we followed them any way to save face.aaron wore the traditional suit and tie and amanda wore the white dress,veil,gloves,patent leather shoes and tights,it is a tradition for the girls to wear a white cloth diaper and plastic pants-a.k.a rubber pants under their tights to enhance their feeling of purity of when they were baptized.i did not want amanda to wear the diaper and rubber pants but felt pressure from the other moms to follow the tradition.i bought a package of the gerber cloth diapers in the 24×27 size at target and sewed them together to make one diaper.i found a pair of white rubber pants on the web in adult size.amanda felt weird during the ceremony having the diaper and rubber pants under her tights.every girl in their class wore the diaper and rubber pants under their tights and it was quite different.before the ceremony three moms lifted amandas dress up to see if she had the diaper and rubber pants on which i felt was very inappropriate.is this the price a girl pays for following traditions even tho she didnt want to?

    …in many catholic parrishes it is a tradition for the girls to wear a diaper and rubber pants under their communion tights.it is a tradition in some families also .in these parrishes,the communion dress is considered an extension of the baptism outfit the girls wore when they were baptized.the diaper,rubberpants,tights and undershirt symbolize the girls purity and innocence of their baptism,the more strict older parrishes that stress purity and abstinence,the diaper and rubberpants are highly recommended.i know of a few teen girls in the 13 to 16 year old range who were required by their parrish to wear the diaper and rubberpants under their communion dresses to enhance their purity.”

    It might be tempting to say that the person posting here as “Tina” is the daughter “Amanda”, but the age is one year off.

    On WikiAnswers, an anonymous poster wrote:

    “to answer the question about diapers under communion dresses.i am 20 years old and made my first holy communion later at 14.i wore the traditional white dress,veil.gloves shoes,cloth diaper,plastic pants and tights and under shirt.in many parrishes it is a tradition for the girls to wear this underwear.the communion dress is considered an extension of the baptism out fit by many parrishes and parents so the diaper,rubberpants,tights and undershirt are worn to sybolize the girls purity of when they were baptized.i know of two parrisehes that require the girls to wear them and a few others where it is a tradition.in some more strict catholic families the diaper,rubberpants,tights and undershirt are passed from girl to girl to wear for her communion.i just heard of two 14 year old girls who wore the diaper and rubberpants under their dresses last may.one had tights,the other had lace cuff anklets.she had the diaper and rubberpants on under her dress with the under shirt.i know this may sound weird but its true and done in many parrishes thruout the us.”

    Again, note the phrases repeated verbatim, scenarios repeated, etc. Isn’t the internet amazing? I actually find it really interesting how one person can pollute the electronic universe with this sort of stuff. What I worry about is the effect on the education system. In my day, when I had to write a report, I’d go to the library and get a couple of references on the subject. Now, if a kid is told to do a report on “first communion traditions”, he/she can type the phrase into Google and get all this stuff. It’s obviously false, basically unverifiable, and in many cases indistinguishable from legitimate information if the kid doesn’t spend the time or energy to do a little more digging…

  19. LOTGK said

    God, I hope no one uses the Grassy Knoll Institute as a reference source for fact. :)

  20. anon said

    lotgk and rachel,victoria is an admitted adult baby.she said so in another forum.even tho she may be a minister,can you trust what someone who is an adult baby says?

    • Mipsus said

      Over the one who is (you), who tries to pretend not to be…yeah, of course. Those who are open about their fetishes tend to be very trustworthy sources of information. It’s the ones who hide, the ones who try and cover up their fetishes that are the most untrustworthy (again, you). Especially when you start trying to manipulate other folks and interest groups for your own sordid little interests. You seriously need to go and see a psychologist man. When your fetish reaches a point where you start trying to look for ways to inflict it upon other people…yeah, you’ve crossed a line there, you need psychiatric help. Especially considering that those you’re looking to inflict your fetish upon are young, UNDER AGE girls.

      • LOTGK said

        I’m sorry, but I need my Little Orphan Annie secret decoder ring to understand your cryptic comment. Could you please explain again?

        • Mipsus said

          Sorry, but my posts aren’t catered towards the 5th grade reading level, you’ll have to find an adult (preferably college educated) to help you out there, kiddo.

          • LOTGK said

            Of course they are not. However, you begin your comment with “Over the one who is (you), who tries to pretend not to be…yeah, of course.” So yea, your reply is nonsensical at best.

            What say you all comment police?

            • Valdunagan said

              I believe he/she meant one if by land and two if by sea.

            • Merv said

              I’m with you lotgk, the comment was directed at someone else not on the page. It was nonsense.

            • Mipsus said

              Well I have no idea what you guys are seeing but I replied directly to a person’s post and my view shows it directly threaded right under that post, so it should be plainly obvious what it’s about and who it’s directed to if you follow the thread continuity. If it’s not appearing in context to you, well, sorry, but it’s not my site, I have no idea what the problem is, maybe the site only works properly on certain browsers.

            • Mipsus said

              You must be seeing the site differently than I am, this is what I see: fur-affinity.org/Scraps/Threaded.png

              Should be plainly obvious who I’m replying to since the reply is put directly under and indented from the original. It’s called “threading”, and if you follow the threading context then you should have no problems at all following the conversation. Maybe the site doesn’t appear correctly on your browser/OS combination?

            • Max Jackl said

              You replied directly to comment #20. Posted by Anon. He/she said.
              “lotgk and rachel,victoria nicole little is an admitted adult baby.she said so in another forum.even tho she may be a minister,can you trust what someone who is an adult baby says?”

              That is what you replied to with your incoherent blather.

            • LOTGK said

              Methinks she was reading another site and mistakenly selected the reply button here, hence, the nonsense comment.

            • Gumby said

              WTF!

            • LOTGK said

              Don’t confuse her with logic.

            • Mipsus said

              …?

              *shakes head*

              Either you have the reading comprehension of a five year old, or you have some nth level sequencing issues, or you’re on drugs. I’m not sure which, but surely you can’t be so fucking slow that you couldn’t figure out that “Anon” is just “Tina”, really poorly disguised. I mean if you’re that easily fooled I’d say they must have been pretty successful in their half ass social engineering attempts to get the lessers to believe that some churches actually use diapers in their ceremonies.

              ______
              Reply By LOTGK
              Mipsus, Anon is not Tina. The two names have two completely different IP addresses from two different parts of the country. I guess that leaves egg all over your face. You see, I’m not that slow, in fact, it was one of the first things I looked at in this comment thread.

  21. Another Anon said

    Fetishists are untrustworthy in general, even if they are a bit weird. But *this* one is off his/her rocker, that’s for sure.

  22. Communion Diapers??? said

    parents made her wear toddler plastic pants as punishment to a wedding when she was 16.

  23. Hamster said

    Man, that diaper shit is sick ass folks. Sick ass.

  24. LOTGK said

    Mipsus Said in an above threaded reply:
    …?

    *shakes head*

    Either you have the reading comprehension of a five year old, or you have some nth level sequencing issues, or you’re on drugs. I’m not sure which, but surely you can’t be so fucking slow that you couldn’t figure out that “Anon” is just “Tina”, really poorly disguised. I mean if you’re that easily fooled I’d say they must have been pretty successful in their half ass social engineering attempts to get the lessers to believe that some churches actually use diapers in their ceremonies.

    __________________________________________________
    Reply By LOTGK
    Mipsus, Anon is not Tina. The two names have two completely different IP addresses from two different parts of the country. I guess that leaves egg all over your face. You see, I’m not that slow, in fact, it was one of the first things I looked at in this comment thread.

  25. Roll D said

    is it a full moon out tonight. The trolls are out in full force.

    • LOTGK said

      Yes, the trolls are netting up today, but it is the most humorous when they attempt to escalate discussions. Especially after they find out that the site is the home of the 99 cent conspiracy theory. Oh well.

  26. MR. atheist said

    Actualy its a fact that in some Roman catholic comunities a diaper is a part of theyre outfit, basicaly befour disposable they were dressed in other stuffs that reminded of youth, and yh i know its fucked up, but hey, u guys devote ure life to some sort of allmighty creature called “god” and by my standards thats even more fucked up

  27. Fishsticks said

    Two different IP addresses? Um, apparently the owner of this site doesn’t know what proxy servers are. LOL

  28. Chris said

    My eldest son’s First Communion is in May. I just ordered my First Holy Communion invitations yesterday.

  29. Will said

    We call “Tina’” fantasies “One handed typing.” (You can imagine what is going on with the other hand while the posting is going on).

  30. Jill said

    Went thru this myself as a kid. The whole process felt very phony. My family wasn’t even religious – my grandparents were. Religion felt like a bunch of fairy tales to me. Just stories like The Gingerbread Man. I barely remember the ceremony. I just wanted to get out of that dress and get to the party where the cake was.

  31. breanna said

    i talked too two girls one 21 years old at a target store and the other 19 at a dry cleaners and both belong to the same parish and told me that its a tradition for the girls at their parish to wear a diaper and plastic pants and camisole under their white formal confirmation dresses.they told me they each wore them and described their outfits to the word.they told me also that the diaper and plastic pants is worn under the communion dresses as well and they wore them under their communion dresses when they were 8 years old.

  32. breanna said

    To LOTGK-being catholic i know what iam talking about!
    **Snip — Cut — Edit**

    Lead Scientist replies: No, you do not!

Leave a Reply: So Say We All

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
Sladewilson: The War Journal Vol. 2

Entertainment Reviews - Video Games, Music, Television, Movies for the urban warrior... Adult Themes. Parential discretion advised...

SwittersB & Fly Fishing

Fly Fishing & Tying Blog: Tutorials, How To's Aimed at the Beginner & Intermediate.

Bucket List Publications

Indulge- Travel, Adventure, & New Experiences

Serendopeity

The faculty of making stupid discoveries by accident. The name of my first Fantasy Football Team. Neither of which have anything to do with this blog. I just like the word. Deal with it !!!!!!

Elecpencil

Poetry and Angst from a Middle-Ager

Doooh Head

\"They all say Doooh\"

Ahrcanum

Conspiracy, HAARP, Earthquakes, Volcano's, Weather Modification, H1N1, Swine Flu, NWO, Politics, and other hedonistic topical articles from The CEO & Czar of The Committee In My Head. Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Grassy Knoll Institute

Home Of The 99 Cent Conspiracy Theory

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 65 other followers