A Question About Noah

In our last episode, the Pastor had made a courtesy call home to my parents to give them an updated progress report on my day’s behavior. I would have to be patient before provoking the nuns once again.

A week had passed and the days of waiting had now ended. It was time to attack the nuns once again. I was going to follow Wild Kingdoms Marlin Perkins hunting credo that once you get the animals on the run, never let them slow down to give the animals any time to rest. I set my task to the test.

As the students filed in one by one that particular day, the nun in charge gave me a glancing look as if she knew something was about to happen, much like the antelope before an earthquake knowing that something terrible was about to happen.

The nuns must have begun to suspect that they were in a match to the death with me. It would be a duel of wits. Of course the nuns came to fight unarmed. I was now sure that all their so-called faculty meetings were merely a ruse to disguise their plans to keep order in their classroom and to keep me off balance. I would have to figure out a way to bug the office to learn of their plans in advance. I needed that edge. After all, I was only in second grade.

The nuns were getting smarter but I had my ace in the hole and its name was Noah.

Our religion lesson began with the nuns telling us of a horrific flood that was coming to destroy the entire earth and all the people and animals. This particular day, the nuns treaded cautiously in choosing their words to describe that day’s lesson. When the lesson had finished, it was now time for question and answer time.

MY favorite time. I decided to start off slowly this time with the nuns so as not to elicit suspicion quickly. I would ask legitimate questions first and then build to the climatic question that would send me to the principles office. In fact, I would let other students begin the interrogation. The perfect plan was in motion. Timmy and Tommy and Betty asked some brown noser questions to get them some brownie nun points much to the nuns delight. I almost saw one nun crack a smile, but I was wrong. These nuns were well trained.

At this moment I began my assault. I asked what the animals ate on the ark during the 40 days and nights. Another volley.

Then I asked that since lions and tigers only ate meat, what did Noah feed them.

I brought up snakes and how they had to eat their prey alive. I asked if Noah had to sacrifice several species of small mammals to keep the snakes from dying of starvation.

What about the birds? Were they kept in cages or did Noah let them fly free?

The stage had been set. The nuns were becoming agitated. The answers coming a little more quickly with less thought processes. They were getting a little sloppy.

It was time…

I raised my hand one last time, 5 minutes before class was to end. The nuns thought they had escaped. They were wrong. As fate would have it, sister Sharlett announced only one more question would be answered today due to time constraints. My hand was the only hand raised. Poised. Ready. Confident.

I began slowly, asking the nun if she remembered a previous lesson on Adam and Eve. She nodded in a positive way giving me the leverage I needed to continue.

I quickly asked that if only Noah, his wife, his three sons and their wives were the only humans to survive, then how did they re-populate the world? Yes, the hammer had dropped. The death knell had been rung. Sister Sharlett looked on stunned, waiting for the question to fully sink in.

As if she were in a cartoon, it seemed like a light bulb turned on over her head and a scowl covered her face. She had taken the bait, hook, line, and sinker and I was reeling her in. She was about to inform the class the real reason why we are all considered brothers and sisters. It was because Noah’s sons and daughters paired up with each other and were fruitful and multiplied. Again, the entire story of Noah was based on incest.

As usual, the nuns in the room became furious. Very loud cackling could be heard as they quickly huddled together much like a football huddle. Seconds later, I was being dragged by my heels out of the office, down the hall to the Pastors office. Yes, this time the principles office was bypassed. I must have been very special.

I began to think that the nuns had changed their pattern to confuse me, frighten me, to get the upper hand. Being a veteran of the wrath of the nuns, I was not worried for I knew the ultimate outcome would be a trip to the Pastors office. Bypassing the principles office was merely an added bonus.

As luck would have it, the Pastor was in a meeting and very busy at the time but he did take a moment to attend to this matter. Whispering by nuns, the positive nods by the pastor, and a few hand gestures and the huddle once again broke. They were ready to run their play. I was in blitz mode.

The pastor said that I was disrupting religion class and that Jesus wouldn’t like what I was doing. I was also informed that this was going on my permanent record and that this incident would be with me for the rest of my life.

The next moment was way out of character for the nuns. No yelling, no threat of expulsion, no talk of detention. Just the permanent record thing. I could live with that. Hell, I didn’t know what my permanent record was anyhow so no big deal.

Then, another twist. Instead of being escorted back to the classroom, I came face to face with my mother in the school hall. She did not look pleased to see me. Without saying a word my mother communicated with the nuns with some sort of secret hand signals and I was in the car and on my way home for the day. Being that it was only second period, I felt pretty lucky thinking I would have the rest of the day to play. Boy was I ever wrong with that impression.

Several days later, I asked my big brother Jack what my permanent record was and why was it so important. He began to explain that… Well, that’s another story.

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LURKING ON THE GRASSY KNOLL